Diz - Banded

Update

2011-04-22T12:22:00.001-07:00

Ok, it's been a month since the final surgery and things are looking great! The scar is slightly funky, but after a year, should look good. I feel good, and finally got back on Vin Diesel (aka StairMaster) 3 weeks ago. I'm working up to where I was before the surgery. Haven't gotten there just yet, but am getting closer. I'll try and post a picture of the scar for ya'll.

People often ask me, or make comments like:
You're not losing more weight are you?
Are you done losing weight?
Be careful, you don't want to become anorexic!
Stop losing weight!
How much weight are you going to lose?

And the list goes on. The truth of the matter is, I'm not really planning on losing any more weight per se. Once I had the excess skin taken off, the key was to just maintain. However, after recovering from the surgeries, I needed to get back on the exercise horse to do something about my flabby arse.

Now that I'm back on Vin, I expect to fluctuate and probably drop another 5 to 8 lbs. Not intentionally, mind you, but because I do have a little bit of jello on my hips, legs and belly. Once I firm that up, I should be solid. I'm not looking forward to hearing the comments of another 5lb weight loss. It's interesting, but people have been making comments like the weight loss happened overnight. These are people I work with and I've been on this journey since March of 2008. Granted, they didn't/don't know about the banding, but they do know about the careful food choices and the exercising and drinking lots of water, etc. Why suddenly is my weight loss overnight?

I even had a good friend ask me how to lose weight quickly! I busted out laughing and chokingly told her "You KNOW it's taken me 3 years to do this! The weight doesn't come on overnight and neither does taking it off!" I told her to look at all her options and choose something that will work for her and stick to it. We all know that no matter what tools we use to help us on this journey, it still boils down to what we consume, exercise, water and mind-set.

Sent from Diz's iPhone

Latest Status

2011-03-02T13:46:00.000-08:00

Sorry it’s took so long for me to get back to the blog. I know ya’ll are wondering what the heck happened. Well let’s break it down, shall we?

Initial Surgery
     Everything went well with the initial surgery. However, due to my doped up condition, I was not paying attention to the amount of time my ice packs stayed on my incisions….Bad Diz! I ended up with varying degrees of frost bite with the most severe being below and to the left of my navel. The blistering was bad, but the area and the area’s below my breasts didn’t want to heal. To top it off, the blood flow to the navel area was impacted by the band surgery, so that didn’t help. I ended up with a second surgery to get rid of the rough edges caused by the ice packs.

Second Surgery
     This surgery was only supposed to be about an hour, but took a bit longer. It also ended up with another drain installed. Everything looked great, but about 3 days into recovery, I noticed that the drain was not collecting anything. When I pressed down on the incision, this gooey stuff came out. I played with the drain and finally got it to work. However, I was still dealing with the gooey’s until my doctor visit.   When he checked out the incision and the goo, he noticed that his forceps was going in too deep so he had to undo the stitches by the navel. I ended up with a deep socket in my abdomen that I was required to pack at least twice a day. The doctor said that we needed to allow it to heal from the bottom up before we closed it again. So I’ve been doing that for the past two months and meeting with the doctor weekly. He supplied everything I needed, so no worries there. He’s now scheduled my third surgery this Saturday to close the wound. It’s reduced in size and depth and looks nice and red (before there was tons of beige stuff all over) for healing. This next surgery will not only be to close the wound, but to get rid of the scarred edges and make it look clean and nice.

I know in my heart that his work did not cause the difficulties I’ve been having, but he’s gone above and beyond to make sure I’m healthy and that the outcome would look good. He takes it personally, which is what I really like about him. He has not charged me anything additional to my initial costs for the surgery. Everything he’s done has been included. I know the finished result will be great.

What I'm happy about
     In the meantime, now that the extra skin is gone, it’s an unbelievable feeling. Even though I still have a bit of swelling, my clothes fit better. I look really good. Yesterday, I had to go out and buy all new undies because the undies I was wearing kept sliding down inside my pants and driving me nuts! I threw them out and went down to a medium. I’m in love with the twins (my boobs). Forget men and their attention, I’m so happy with the way they turned out, I keep staring at them in the mirror. This is from a woman who’s twins have been pointing to her toes since she was 20. Will I be wearing a bikini? Don’t know, but in all seriousness I’m getting past the bikini age, so probably boyshorts and halter/swim tops.

I’ll try and update everyone next week on the status of the surgery. Things have been hectic with applying for a home loan, getting the divorce finalized, healing and not being able to lift heavy things, so my blogging has gone by the wayside. I will be picking it back up and updating, but the next 6 to 8 months will be sketchy. Hope all of you are doing well and are happy.

Almost Two Weeks In

2010-12-30T21:12:00.000-08:00

I'm almost two weeks in. I had my second post operative appointment on Monday and it went well. There are two minor things wrong, but other than that, the healing is going well. I was able to drive myself to the appointment since I weaned myself off of all the drugs the Thursday prior to the appointment. So technically I had about 5 days with drugs. I'm not huge into painkillers (lucky me) and with a high pain threshold, did pretty well.

Now, about the couple of things wrong. For some reason, I developed blisters on the hip, by my new navel and under my left breast. The ones on my hip I popped the third day out. But I didn't know about the other two. The doctor took care of them, but it means the skin underneath has to heal also. Like I said...minor. The second issue is just above the public area. The stitching is healing a little strange. He asked me if I smoked, and I told him that I've always been a non-smoker...not my thing. He said it was reminiscent of smokers and the way they heal. It may take a minor re-stitching, so we'll just have to see.

Other than that, I'm healing well. My abdomen is hard and a little sensitive. I know that it's still swollen and will be asking the doctor again how long it takes for the swelling to go down. I know he'll say two to three months. I just have to be patient. My boobs look fabulously perky. What's not to like about that? My next appointment is Monday, so I'll let you know what happens afterward. Happy New Year!

Feeling a little more Lively

2010-12-22T09:45:00.000-08:00

So I had a sponge bath last night and put on fresh clothes, and it was a little slice of heaven. I was able to do most of it myself, and had no problems lifting the legs and holding up the arms. After a nice mug of tomato and roasted pepper soup, I settled in for the evening. Because the Robaxin really knocks me on my butt, I decided to stop taking it and cut back on the Vicodin. I'm now taking a vicodin once every six hours as opposed to once every 4 hours along with the Robaxin. I feel much more clear headed and myself. I'm not in a lot of pain and if it comes on strong, I just up my vicodin, but so far, so good.

I took a little walk outside to get some fresh air, as it's been rainy around here, it smells sweet and clear. I'm still hunched over of course, but I'm straightening out little by little. I am happy I did this so far and I'll be sure to tell you when/if I'm not. I will be telling my friend who has a slight roll that she'd be nuts to do this for her persception of an issue. She's got hard body and works out. She has no worries. Drainage is going well so I have no issues there, and I'm headed home tonight and looking forward to it. Miss my kitties and my own territory. But my friends have been wonderful and have treated me like a queen. I so appreciate that. Until tomorrow my dear friends!

The Surgery

2010-12-21T15:30:00.000-08:00

Well, it was a pretty long surgery. About 7 hours because I had my boobs lifted too. When I came out of the surgery, I was pretty out of it. I don't even remember the elevator ride down to the car. Once I was planted on my friends recliner, that became home for the next 48 hours. The doctor had inserted a catheter, which made it nice for me and for my friend.

The pain was bearable because I had some great drugs. The doctor was right that I'd feel the middle more than I would my breasts. At the first look at my breasts, I was happy. They are full and perky. No implants, just lifting and the results are amazing. At my post surgery checkup the doctor said there was good things and bad things about my breast tissue. Because it is firm, it made it excellent for the surgery. But it will be harder to detect breast cancer. I'm lucky that breast cancer doesn't run in my family, so I should be ok, but I'll have to do a lot of self checking. The doctor said I was doing good and that the results are excellent. He said that I would love the results. I already love the breasts so I cant imagine that I'll be disappointed with everything else.

Today I'm getting around better. Can't use the abdomenal muscles, so getting out of the recliner is difficult. Today, I'm walking around much more and I'm walking straighter. I'm trying to ween myself off the meds cuz they make me woozy.I think I'll be going hometomorrow night, so that will be nice. I'm mostly drinking liquids and soups with lots of protien in it for healing. Going to the bathroom is a little difficult, but I hear my first bowel movement isgonna be murder. To prepare for it, I've ben taking mineral oil to help smooth the way.

I have alot of bruising due to the body contouring aka lipo suction. but it doesn't really hurt. I do have a high pain threshold so I'm wondering if that isn't working to my benefit. Because I feel like its worth it. That extra fold of skin was getting in the way of everything. I could feel it in my pants pocket just hanging there. Tonight I go for the sponge bath and a change of clothes. That will feel like heaven, I also have a drainage tube that sucks out excess fluid that I have to clean around. It doesn't hurt and I just clip it to my shirt to keep it out of the way.

Feel free to ask questions cuz i'm not sure what you want to hear about. I'll try to get to them ASAP.

Night before Surgery and all through the house...

2010-12-17T22:53:00.001-08:00

Just kidding. It is the night before surgery and I just wanted to put down a quick post. I feel great, but tired. I've done all the little things I needed to do before, so I should be ok. I'm not nervous...yet. Just excited and wondering what I've let myself in for. Shouldbe interesting.

If I'm able to post tomorrow night after the surgery, I will. If not, It'll probably be Sunday. Keep your fingers crossed for me fellow bandsters!

Counting Down

2010-12-12T21:59:00.000-08:00

So the countdown has begun my friends. This Saturday I will go under the knife for the Tummy tuck and the boob lift. I'm so excited. There's no scary feeling yet, and I'm not sure there will be. There wasn't for the last surgery. I did my homework and was comfortable with what to expect and how I'd feel. I feel the same way about this one.

Not nervous, just terribly excited. I'm trying to make sure I do all the stuff I'm supposed to be doing. Cleaning my house, laying in supplies so I won't have to do much. I bought a sweat outfit for surgery day that will be comfortable to wear. Still have to buy the frozen peas for the ice packs, but I will. Making sure I have enough split wood for the woodstove. I'm not allowed to lift more than 10 lbs after, so we'll see how that goes.

The only thing left is to buy Christmas present for my 8 year old Niece Serene. I don't have the foggiest idea what to get her and I need to deliver it before the surgery. I think I'll have the EX do it the week after instead and say that I'm sick and couldn't deliver it myself. I hate to lie, but I'm not telling my immediate family about the surgery. I've told everyone else though. My mother and sister are terribly narcissistic. They fight gowing old with a vengeance. I actually like growing older. They would be hounding me to either pay for facelifts, etc cuz they think a civil servant is rich) or be so jealous they'd never let me enjoy it.

As a matter of fact, I'm extremely glad I went with my instinct and didn't tell them about the banding. They treat me like a lab rat as it is. They walk around me inspecting my body everytime they see me. It gets so frustrating. Who am I if I'm not the Fat one...the fat responsible sister/daughter? Just like the banding...this is for me. I've worked hard...I'm still taking care of my mother, I'm done taking care of my sister...but I make sure my Niece has everything she needs. I've taken care of the husband, the mother in law and the father in law. I've taken care of my brother. It's time for Diz to take care of Diz. And by God...Diz is kissing off 2010 with a fucking BANG!

Where do you draw the line?

2010-12-03T11:11:00.000-08:00

So now I'm stuck with trying to figure out where I want the surgeon to place my scar for the Abdominoplasty. At the pre-op, they said to bring in your favorite bikini, etc and they can work from there. I busted out laughing! Even in my thinner days, I didn't have the nerve to wear a bikini. Ok, now things just got difficult.

I won't lie. I do have bikini bottoms that I wear with my bathing suit tops, but they cover the top portion of the bottom so my stomach doesn't show. But to think that I'll actually be able to wear stuff like that…and now, at age 46, I have the moxie and the attitude…you know, the "I don't give an eff" attitude and I'm not about impressing anyone.

So last night I was parading in front of the mirror with the bottoms trying to figure out where the line should be. I don't want it too high, but I don't want it so low so the scar peeks below the differing styles of bottoms and underwear. I took out a pair of red lace panties that I think will probably work and then I put the bikini bottoms underneath the red lace to see if I was still on target. I think I am, but it's a daunting prospect because this scar will not be moving afterward…well except downward with age, I'm sure.

If any of you have any advice, please let me know.

P.S. When I first started looking for blogs to read, one of the ones I followed religiously was lisetheloser.com. Like all the ones I follow, she's pretty blunt and down to earth. She's back to blogging again and had some setbacks due to her band replacement so check out her site again. I gotta tell you, her photos are inspirational and helped me visualize the person that I could be. I need to post more pics, don't I?

Sent from Diz's iPhone

Pre-Surgery Appointment

2010-12-02T15:53:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I attended my pre-surgery appointment. Lots of stuff to sign and lots of questions to ask. I had to make sure to list them in my handy-dandy List app on my iPhone, just to make sure I didn't miss one.

A lot of the material I've been reading says that you need some kind of constrictive garment to hold everything after the surgery. They call them body binders. I asked my surgeon about that, and he said that with the newer techniques, it's better not to use those binders. He wants as much blood flow as possible to the area for healing, so don't use them. Sweet!!! This includes binders for the breast lift.

Another thing they advised is that I drink/eat fresh pineapple. Apparently it has a substance called Bromelin that helps to reduce bruising and swelling. They also said a lot of protein the first couple of days because my body would need it for healing. I told them that I have Isopure protein powder and they said that would work great. Because I need lots of water, Isopure is so fine that you can stir it into water and it will dissolve completely, thus killing two birds with one stone.

Frozen peas and corn in ziplock bags for ice packs. Gotta make sure I have that on hand. I'll be staying with a friend for the first couple of days. Another friend, who's interested in the procedure, will take me to the post-op appointment. Although my doctor says that the results will look freakish until after the first month. I'm ok with that. Just hope that doesn't turn off my friend from doing the procedure if she wants it. I also asked about the silicone sheeting to prevent scars. He said I could use them, but I need to wait until he gives the ok. The wounds have to be shut completely before applying these strips. Good to know.

I'm so excited about this whole thing. Dr. Sumida is excited and keeps telling me that I will love the way I look, and to not worry. He's happy because I'm not using this as a means of weight loss and says that makes a total difference to the outcome…plus, I'm a non-smoker, so that's a huge benefit to the healing process.

The funny thing is, I feel the same way about this that I did about the banding process. I have no reservations about it. I know this is for me. I don't think the scared feeling will set in until the morning of the surgery…like it did for the other. It wasn't a bad scared, just a butterfly feeling. I feel like this is the final step to the beginning of the rest of my journey…does that sound right?

So I'm spending the next two weeks preparing…i.e. drinking lots of water, drinking pineapple juice, staying away from the list of meds that prevents blood clotting, exercising, getting plenty of rest, prepping my house and buying supplies…and jammies. I don't have a pair of button front jammie tops and apparently, I'll need them. Time to go shopping Girls….and I hate shopping!

Sent from Diz's iPhone

Big Changes

2010-11-22T13:55:00.001-08:00

I know it's been awhile since I blogged fellow Bandsters. I've been updating the other blog site. So what's new? Lots! Where to begin…

I've been holding steady at about 157 lbs. This is good news. I'm wearing a size 8, but still put on my size 10 Levi's, etc. The problem? There's a roll of skin that gets in my way. I feel it when I put my hands in the pockets of my jeans. I see it if I have a tighter skirt on. I had to tuck the roll of skin into my bathing suit when I was on vacation, and Lord help the poor soul who saw it fall out of the leg of my suit bottoms. Very embarrassing, very uncomfortable, very stressful because I was continually checking and not enjoying the "moment".

I knew that eventually I would have to do something about it, but it comes at a tough time. I'm going through divorce, and the property that I'll be taking over…while mortgage free at the moment, will need one taken out for the revisions that must be done to the property. This house has not been improved upon in the 50 years that it's been built…all single pane windows, needs insulation, only 800 square feet and definitely not enough kitchen. Don't even get me started on the tile-cracked moldy bathroom that is too tiny. Do I wait till I take out a mortgage loan (which could mean waiting until the divorce is final) and use part of it to correct my skin roll, or do I take out a separate loan for cosmetic surgery? Well, I decided I wanted to start 2011 with a bang and got approved for a cosmetic surgery loan.

On December 18, I will undergo a Mastoplexy and Abdominoplasty. That means a tummy tuck to get rid of that roll of skin on my abdomen, and a boob lift. I've been a D Cup or more since 17 and now the twins point to my toes. Now that I've gotten where I need to be weight wise, I want the twins to be perky instead of these sagging udders that almost reach my belly button. The doctor assures me that I'm good weight wise and my BMI is good. Plus, because I exercise, he says my recovery will be excellent as long as I walk after surgery. Not go for walks, just move the body around to promote healing.

I am so excited. So, I'm going to blog about the pre and post op stuff so everyone will be right there with me…just in case you're thinking the same thing. I know I abused my body and this is the cost of not taking care of it. But I know I'm in a better place mentally and physically to take care of this new body that I'm getting. I couldn't have done it without all of you though…and I damn well know it. Encouragement from you has been worth more than gold for me. On to the next phase of the journey!!! WooHoo.

Sent from Diz's iPhone

Los Cabos

2010-10-04T11:23:00.000-07:00

Please forgive me my friends. Los Cabos Mexico is where I'm coping a squat for the next month. Before ya'll go thinking I'm snobbilly rich or anything, let me just say that I have timeshare, that we started in 96, and slowly increased. Without timeshare, I would've never been able to pull it off.

Yes, the soon to be ex-husband is also here, but that's ok. We've managed to work out a few of the details of our divorce, so that's a good thing. Plus, we have friends joining us thoughout the month, so it'll be alright.

Basically it's costing me the airline ticket and whatever the timeshare costs me monthly. We have a full kitchen, so we do a lot of our own cooking and that works. What, you wanna see a picture??? ok, I'll post a couple...if I can, since I'm updating via iPhone. I'm again sitting under a palapa and listening/watching the waves roll in, inhaling the salty, spicy air with a light sheen of sweat on my skin an loving it.

ok, can't seem to post pics from iPhone. I'll upload and post a link.

Finally a Post...

2010-10-03T11:07:00.000-07:00

Hey Fellow Bandsters,

My apologies for not posting in so long. I am posting on my other blog...dizrant.blogspot.com, but it's been awhile.

Things are going great on the band side of things. After a tumultuous last 6 months, I'm starting to even out again. I know that the journey will continue to be rough as I go through divorce, butI can do this. Just like we all did when we took our lives into our hands and made a committment to living heather lives. This is just another aspect of that healthy life, right? Making my mind and spirit happy.

Now, I'm about 110 lbs down and I've got the worst jiggy belly skin, inner thigh skin and saggy boobs that you have ever seen!!! I'm doing everything I can to work those troublesome areas and tighten the skin, but I have the feeling that more drastic measures are needed. So, when I get back from vacation, I'm going to a consultation to see what the damage is going to cost me.

Did I tell ya'll I'm on vacation? I'm spending a month in Cabo...this is day 3. Yes, the soon to be ex is here because we both needed the vacation so badly and we'd planned it for like 18 months, or so. So far, everything is going ok. It's a little tense as we talk about the details of our divorce, but I think he's turned a page. I think he believed we'd get back together on this trip, and now he knows that won't happen.

Yes, I will be drinking too much on this trip and I don't care. However, I did make a commitment to hit the gym 6 days out of 7 and so far, I've been every day. I know that if I put in an hour of working out, I can eat and drink whatever I want and not gain a pound. So, hopefully I can keep you all updated on whether or not I'm successful.

Until the next blog my bandfriends....

Hello My Friends...

2010-06-26T12:59:00.000-07:00

Please forgive me for not posting for so long. I have a couple of posts on my other blog (dizrant.blogspot.com) but I'm not sure you want to read them. So much is going on right now. The husband and I separated, My mother in law has been in the hospital twice and passed away this past week, and the boy is home for a visit, not sure the timing is good or bad, but I so needed to see him.

I will blog again when I get a moment, but for now I'll be updating the other blog, since it's more about my daily rants and not band-specific. I'm using it more as a therapeutic outlet than anything else really. Just when I think I'm going to crack, something else comes a long. I'm thinking that God is challenging me in some way and so far, I'm meeting the challenge. I have not been broken. Although a little ice cream and tequila can go a long way...

Smooches my friends until the next post....

RollerCoaster...

2010-04-18T21:36:00.000-07:00

Been doing ok on the Band front, but have hit a major snag in my personal life. Dizzy's not a happy camper.

I went to see my favorite band Collective Soul, in Reno. It was a rescheduled show and unfortunately 2 weeks after the husband had his knee scoped. We still went and the Casino delightfully upgraded us to a Suite! Ooohh la la. It had it's own bar, and a sectional in the receiving area, it's own Ice machine (which was good, because i brought the ice packs for the knee), a dining area, a huge flat screen television and a separate bedroom. Too cool. After the show, the husband and friends wanted to gamble (around 11 p.m.) so I did for about a half hour. I told the man I was headed back to the room and that he should follow me shortly because his leg was swollen and needed ice. He said he would be there shortly. I go to the room, prepare the ice packs, arrange the bed with the pillows for his knee, get naked and wait for him. I fall asleep because he doesn't show until 3 a.m. and he's so freaking drunk, he falls out of bed, doesn't realize there's ice packs on the bed for him, keeps talking and pushes me off the bed. After about an hour of his antics, I go to sleep on the sectional in the receiving area. I am PISSED!

The thoughts going through my head are...I'm 45 years old, I want to retire in 10 years. Is this what I'm going to retire to? We've had continual issues with his drinking over our entire 21 years together. Anyway...we never discuss this, because he avoids the conversation. After about a week of this, the boys ask him if he'd like to spend a week at Sand Mt. Nevada. They're going to ride ATV's. I think he needs the "guy" time and tell him to go, but make him promise not to ride the ATVs. You guessed it...second to the last day, he get's on, goes 12 feet and smashes into the popout of the next door trailer. He drives the knee that was just scoped into the side and breaks his femur in 3 places, and cuts his shin to the bone. He ends up in the hospital at Reno, and I have to drop everything and head there. Because his knee was already swollen, they couldn't operate for 2 days and had to drill two pins in the femur and 2 in the tibula to support an metal external brace. They finally operate 2 days later and put a steel plate and some pins in the bone. He ends up with six stitches in his shin, 40 staples in his leg, a shunt to evacuate the excess blood, 2 pints of blood because he didn't have enough red cells to promote healing, etc. The surgery should've only taken an hour to an hour and a half. Doctor comes out 2 hours later and says that he can tell by the bone density that he's either a heavy smoker or drinker...which is it? He tells me that at the rate he's going, he'll have a busted hip by 55.

After spending 5 days in Reno, we head home. He knows I'm seething mad because I've been taking care of him (he's been on disability since December), his Mom (she's 88 and spent 3 weeks at the hospital at christmas), his Dad (he had a pace maker put in at the end of January) and my Mom (the list is endless with her, and she's slightly demented). His doctor, last Monday, tells us he's looking at a hard 6 months of Physical Therapy to walk again and he's not allowed to put any weight on the leg at all.

We had a fight about the whole thing last night and I tell him that I've had enough. Once he's mobile, he has to make one of two choices:

1. Move to his parents and get his head, body and mind straight, then we'll work on our relationship, or

2. I move out, and I'm not coming back.

He doesn't like my choices. I don't care. This whole episode has made my band flaky. Sometimes food goes down, but most of the time, it just gets stuck. I'm exhausted. We live in the mountains on over an acre of land filled with pine and oak trees. This means the upkeep of the property is all mine, along with the upkeep of the house, the shopping, taking care of everyone and holding down a full-time job, since I'm the breadwinner now. I've had to cancel all of my plans, i.e. the girls weekend, my God-Son's orientation trip for college, my getaway to Albuquerque (which was my "reward" for taking care of everyone and my "me' time).

Normally, I'd just drink a margarita to relax, but I don't want to depend on that, so I haven't had one in since before the accident. I'm only sleeping every two hours then wake up for a half hour and go back to sleep. I haven't been exercising, which would be good for me, but when? I want to be held, and feel secure and be able to close my eyes and not worry that everything is going to come crashing down around me. If it wasn't for my JazzyKat, I'd go insane!

Ok...enough...I needed to vent, and I have. Cat Mackenzie said I could come steal away down under, and I will be doing that. I so want to meet all my bandsisters down there. Don't worry Ladies...I will not let this sabotage my gains with my eating, etc. I'm not giving that up. I need my health right now, and no one is taking that away from me.

Thanks for letting me vent.

March

2010-03-26T14:34:00.000-07:00

Wow. The Month of March is almost over. This is the 2 year mark in my journey to become healthier and get off the dieting bandwagon. It is not my 2-year surgery date. My 2-Year Surgery date is June 19^th. I'm happy to report that I'm wearing size 10 Levi's, I can power walk up and down major hills for more than an hour and not stop (I do try to wind myself so I sweat with my workout), I don't recognize myself when passing by windows and glancing over, and..I've passed the 100 lb mark. I knew when I made the choice for lapband surgery that this wouldn't be an overnight effort and had been warned by doctors that if I want to lose weight faster, I should get gastric bypass surgery. I needed a tool to help me, and I felt this was the way. I knew what I needed to do and how to do it, and that weight loss for me was a head thing. I needed to change behaviors that triggered the food cramming. And yes, I'm still working on those behaviors and always will be working on them.

The biggest part was getting my toxic Sister out of my life. To a certain extent, I allowed her to control me through the visits with my Niece. While I don't get to see my niece as often as I would like, my sister does NOT have control of the situation anymore. Ergo, I don't lose control over the food as much anymore. What a release! I miss my Beanie though.

I also needed to dump my birth control method, Depo Provera. I had no idea how much a birth control product could hold on to the weight. While it didn't cause me to gain weight, it certainly made it more difficult to come off. I tell you, once I stopped getting those quarterly shots and the stuff exited my system, the weight really started to move. I now use Mirena, which is an intra-uterine device made up of progesterone. It keeps it localized instead of it moving throughout my bloodstream and it's worked wonders! No shots, no pills, etc., and good for 5 years! NOICE.

I'm planning on scheduling an appointment with my band doctor on the 2-year anniversary surgery date to see what he says about the integrity of the band and to get his opinion on this hanging skin that I can't seem to exercise away. Some of you may have already read the comments between me and Cat regarding the things we can do with excess flesh/skin. I have a good time grabbing on to mine and twisting it while I'm lying in bed. I'm hoping the manipulation of the fat will make it go away, but it doesn't seem to work. My friend Kimmy turned me on to the YouTube PooChi Skit. I think ya'll can appreciate the humor. And on that note, I'll end today's blog…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2a2DQC-ghio&sns=em

Sent from Diz's iPhone

2010-02-12T08:04:00.001-08:00

7 lbs to go

It will be two years ago in March that I truly began the journey to getting healthy. Yes, I had started the process before, but with the emotional distress of Christmas 2007 and gaining 30lbs of weight during that process, and going to Cancun in February of 2008, I knew upon returning that this was a journey I had to commit to. If I didn't, I was going to die young. I had to commit to exercise and to mindful eating and to not dieting, but changing my eating habits. By May 19^th, 2008, I needed to be at the weight the doctor told me to be so I could have surgery. If I didn't drop those 35 lbs by then, I'd have to wait. I was done with waiting.

I was done with putting my life on hold to help others. I was done with putting everyone else's' problems and issues before my own and was finally ready to say that I was important enough to myself to do this. I was ready to live.

So now I have 7 lbs to go to reach the 100 lb mark. My goal is to make it by March 1^st. I think it's doable. It's interesting that when I started my research on gastric banding, the information I read, and the doctors I spoke to said "You'll lose weight faster with gastric bypass". I was discouraged to take the banding route and I wonder why. Yes, I know it's slower, but the whole "re-routing of the stomach and intestines" was a lot more intimidating to me than a band. I'm not knocking the surgery, it just wasn't for me. I just don't understand why doctors would want to push the higher risk surgery.

To reward myself, I'm going to go to a surgeon for evaluation to get the extra skin taken off of my stomach. I don't know about all of you, but I lay in bed at night….playing with the skin on my stomach….what's up with that? I can do twisties and bunching with the skin just below the belly button to the pubic region. I've tried all kinds of things to tighten up this skin, i.e. rub all kinds of different stuff into the skin, massage, of course exercise and stomach crunches, weights. I just can't seem to get this skin to bounce back. I don't know that I can afford to have the skin removed either. Right now with the economy and with the 15% pay cut I've had to take, it just doesn't seem to be in the cards for me…but I still want the evaluation.

Ah well, I'll write when I actually lose the 7 lbs. In the meantime, Vin Diesel (my StairMachine) and I have been extremely tight and I've upped my resistance level to 5. I'm determined and it will happen.

Sent from Diz's iPhone

Fwd: To Christmas or Not to Christmas...That is the question

2010-02-02T16:18:00.000-08:00

Another year, and I haven't sent out my Christmas cards. I've actually made and printed post cards for Christmas. This year, I had issues with my printer, which resulted in me getting another printer…cheaper than buying new cartridges. I finished them and brought them with me to Serene Lakes to address them the week after Christmas. When I got home…all hell broke loose.

Mom ends up in the hospital while we were away, so that's the first message on the machine when we get home….we drop everything and head to the hospital. I end up staying the night there. From that moment on, it's been busy. A week stay in the hospital, a two week stay in the convalescent hospital (Mom is 88 ½ years old), getting her home. Once she's there, Dad has to get his pacemaker put in which means that one of us goes to San Francisco for the 3 day pacemaker procedure, and one of us stays with Mom. Then after the pacemaker procedure, we learn that Dad has to stay sedentary for 3 days…which means one of us has to stay with them and one has to head home to maintain the property and the pets. I'm the one that heads home since I have a class that I must attend at work and it's been paid for. Long story short….I still have the damned Christmas post cards.

So the dilemma….do I go ahead and mail them out hoping that most people will understand that life got in the way, or….do I scrap them and send out a Valentine Card?

Doing it the "Right Way"???

2009-12-01T19:15:00.000-08:00

What the "eff" is doing it the right way?

I can't tell you how many times I've heard "doing it the right way" since I've started this journey. I know you all feel me out there. You've heard it too. Let me put this phrase in context for those of you still wondering what I'm talking about.

"""Oh Diz...you look so wonderful! You're taking off weight "the right way". I can tell because your skin isn't saggy and your skin tone is normal. How are you doing it? What kind of diet are you on? You're doing it without help..."the right way"."""

God, I'm so sick of that! When people ask me what diet I'm on, I tell them: I don't diet anymore. I refuse to live my life restricted by a diet. When they ask me how I'm doing it, I tell them the truth...i.e. I ride my stair machine (I named it Vin Diesel) once to twice a day, I do weights and I watch what I eat during the week and eat what I want on the weekends". When they say "Oh, you're doing it without help..." I tell them, you're wrong, I do have help (I just don't mention the band). I also tell them I've attended nutrition classes and met with a nutritionist, etc (which was required before I was banded).

What people need to understand is that the "Right Way" is different for everyone. My right way, is not necessarily your right way. Whatever helps you to achieve your goals for health is the right way damn it! Why do I have to bow to the Politically correct...right way? All of you know my mantra..."political correctness is tyranny with manners" and I am NOT politically correct and never will be.

I am so sick of hearing the term "right way". Those people can take their "right way" and shove it!

Ok...Dizzy feels better now.

Another Survey...FUN!

2009-11-30T13:44:00.000-08:00

I saw this from another site and thought I'd join in on the fun.

1. How long have you been banded?
1 year 5 months
2. What was your highest pre-band weight? / Current weight now? / Total lost to date?
267lbs – but banded at 232lbs
Current Weight is 177 lbs (OMG...I can't believe I'm actually typing that!)
Total loss to date is 90lbs
3. What is your best “go-to” food to get in your protein?
Salmon and Isopure protein powder.
4. What is your favorite protein brand/shake?
DOH!!! That is the unflavored Isopure Protein powder listed above. Great stuff, goes in anything!
5. What food do you miss the most now being post-band?
I thought I would miss certain foods, but my doctor said I can try anything with the band, just be careful...so I have. I can only eat tiny amounts of bread..but that's ok. My band doesn't like leafy vegetables, so I overcook them to mush. Can't do rice well, but I don't mind that. My band doesn't like soda...and I don't miss it.
6. What is your favorite “mushy” food?
Mashed potatoes!
7. What was your worst PB experience?
Spewing in front of my Nail person's place. The bathroom was in use, and I had to run for it. OMG...so bad!
8. What has been the hardest part of this journey so far for you?
Feeling exposed. I'm used to hiding in the shadows. People don't look at heavy people in the eyes. They kind of just pass over you and don't address you or look at you unless you're speaking. Now they actually SEE me! Worse...they actually scrutinize what I'm wearing, what I'm eating, eyeballing my weightloss.
9. What is your best NSV to date?
Getting into clothes that I've had for years and realizing that the style is so 80's or 90's...what the hell was the point of saving them?
10. What is your top non-weight goal for your band? (top NSV maybe?)
Well, I've managed to button and zip up size 10 Levi's so I'm happy about that. I think it's just being healthy with no medications, etc.
11. What is your goal weight or size?
When I started on this journey, I had a goal weight in mind (see my chart on my site), now I don't have a specific goal. I know it's somewhere between 110 and 130 lbs that I want to lose overall, but I'll know when I feel it. As long as I'm healthy, eating the right things, and look ok, then I'm not going to worry about the actual weight or size. I just want a normal BMI.
12. What band “rule” do you live by (i.e. don’t cheat on)?
I drink lots of water! I don't drink sodas. Other than that...
13. What band “rule” do you not follow as much or aren’t so good at?
Sipping water with my meals. I don't drink much, but when I'm out with others, I look normal with a glass in my hand. No one's figured it out yet.
14. What is your goal “reward”?
I don't have one. I wish I did, but part of making my change was to instead focus on smaller goals and rewards. If I'm good for the day, I have a sip of Port and a tab of dark chocolate before bed.
15. In the spirit of Thanksgiving being right around the corner (US), what are you most thankful for, post-band?
I’m thankful that the band has help me achieve control on my appetite. Before, I suffered from voracious hunger. Now, it's an ebb that I can live with. I've also learned that it's only a tool. It will not solve my problems, it will not make me thinner or happier...only I can do that.

Landing...

2009-11-29T17:22:00.001-08:00

Hey Mellie...landing isn't as bad as you'd think. As a matter of fact, he landed me down light as a feather. Keith (My awesome Aussie Tandem Man) told me to put my legs up and said he'd tell me when to put them down so we'd land on our feet. It was totally cool!

SkyDiving!!!

2009-11-28T13:26:00.000-08:00

After the trip to Tahoe, our Godson Cam wanted to go Skydiving for this 18th birthday. We were finally at a point in our life where we could do it, i.e the boy is old enough to take care of himself and look after his sister. The really cool thing about this jump? Everyone over 200 lbs has to pay a dollar extra per pound. When we got there, they never asked me my weight (176 lbs.) and never asked me to get on the scale. My husband had to confirm his (191 lbs), but no one questioned mine and that was such an awesome feeling!

This is me, the husband, Cam and his dad posing before our jump!

Somehow, they knew my name and put it on the back of the harness.

This shot was taken by my husbands camera person, since he's behind me in the jump.

Looking at the bottom of a perfectly good airplane at 13,000 feet.

Yes, I'm smiling. I've never felt so rejuvenated.

Looks like we're going to make it down safe after all....

The Airport below us.

Tahoe...

2009-11-14T12:56:00.000-08:00

Was a beautiful as it always is. I just love that lake. It brings me peace and joy. My friend and I headed up to Tahoe on a Monday afternoon, and had a wonderful dinner out. We pretty much ate dinner in, and breakfasts out. It was a lot of fun. We did some shopping, a little bit of gambling, lots of walking, which was really nice. And, of course, lots of talking. We talked about Victor quite a bit. With the holidays coming, I know it will be hard on the entire family.

It actually snowed Wednesday night. It was beautiful. Just a light frosting, so nothing to worry about while driving.

A friend joined us on Wednesday and we had a wonderful time together until Friday, when we headed home. We picked up a new roommate for my friend...a "Havanese"? puppy.

Soul still tired!

2009-11-05T20:42:00.000-08:00

My buddy Kel (you've seen her in pics) flew to her Dad's side. He had terminal lung cancer. He lasted a week and she came home. I felt so bad for her because she is so close to him. She's been strong throughout the whole thing, but she's hurt and I hurt for her. My other buddy (I call her my ex-wife because we lived together for over 7 years) had her Mom in the Hospital. I made sure to visit often, since my buddy lives in South Dakota and she couldn't visit her Mom. Mom Carpenter has a torn aortic valve to they have to monitor it. She's 87 years old and is as feisty as ever.

Now I'm getting ready to take next week off of work and spend it in Tahoe relaxing with Teensy (Victor's wife). After losing her husband, she just wants to get away. Lake Tahoe restores my soul, and I think it's just what we need to help us get our perspectives back in alignment. I'm conflicted. My project is about done, and I'm relieved, but in a way I feel a little lost because it's like a part of Victor is leaving me too. I'm not sure I'm ready to say goodbye. And, while trying to clean my surroundings, I pulled a muscle in my back. I need a little cheese to go with my whine!

I know I'm blessed. I have good friends, i.e. the ones here in blogland and my home pals...my narcissistic Mom even left me a beautiful, heartfelt message, so maybe there's hope there. But I'm feeling blah. Know what I mean? I think I need to see my Niece...she always makes everything right in the world by just...loving her "Anty".

Taking more Bitter with the Sweet

2009-10-22T23:31:00.000-07:00

My apologies fellow Bandsters,

I'm going through some rough times right now, which making blogging difficult. I've been blowing off steam doing Mafia Wars in FaceBook...the new crack. Ah..which to talk about first..the bitter or the sweet. Let's do sweet. I got back into my Wedding Dress. Haven't put it on since I took it off in 93 and didn't ever think I'd put it on again. I was looking for some papers and feeling pretty stressed out and saw the dress hanging there calling me to put it on. I hesitated for a bit...didn't want to be disappointed. And then threw caution to the winds... The results?

And now the bitter...I lost a dear friend and mentor. His wife is my buddy and I never expected to work for him because I didn't want my work life interfering with my relationship with my friend. Happily, that never happened. What I got was a great boss who took the time to show me the ropes and entrusted me with an $8 million dollar project. Unfortunately, he was diagnosed with prostate cancer 2 years ago, and his cancer was a rare aggressive one. It claimed his life on Columbus Day. I know he's planning the next big project in heaven, but my head screams at the injustice of it all. I see my friend, a widow, and too young. She's supposed to be traveling with her best friend, drinking vino and laughing. Now she's heartbroken, tired, angry and all the things that go along with losing the other half of one's self. Fortunately, she still has her sense of humor and calls me her little "Sherpa" cuz I've been helping with the details for the services tomorrow. It all just sucks! Victor...I love you!

Reminders...

2009-09-15T21:07:00.001-07:00

It's always good to give yourself a reminder of where you've been, how far you've come and where you're going. I was looking through some picture's of my boy's wedding and saw these pictures of myself in February of 2008...heartbreaking!

I remember the feeling of desperation and longing and hurting that I felt. Why am I this way? What am I willing to do to be healthier? I remember feeling that I was the only one in the world who felt like this...logically, I knew I was wrong, but I felt so isolated. But there's a certain safety in that isolation. I can only let people get so close and no more. I needed to take a risk and put myself out there and be willing to accept help.

This is me at the Reno Rib Festival for my 45th Birthday, September 2009. Yes, I ate ribs! I freaking enjoyed them. Yes, that's a margarita in my hand. I just couldn't overdo it. I still have about 20 to 30 lbs to go. I'll know when I get there. I plateau'd over the summer due to my project and not exercising, but I still watched what I ate. I allowed myself treats, but didn't overindulge. Thank you Lap Band...Thank you Fellow Bandsters! I am alive!

Liking my Shadow....

2009-09-02T23:27:00.000-07:00

You know on a bright day, when you're walking and you look over and see your shadow??? I've always hated that cuz I hated how round and out of shape I looked.

I was looking at my shadow...you know... Really looking at it. I guess I was picturing the Pillsbury dough girl with the round belly and round face. But who was this shadow girl? The shadow girl looked long and lean. Her hair was blowing in the California breeze. She had a long, authoritative stride and walked with purpose. I did a double take because I didn't know the shadow girl. She seemed happy.

I realized the shadow girl was me? Yea...it's me!!! I actually like my shadow. I actually look ok. I'm not fat! Well...I am still overweight, but I'm looking ok. It's a weird feeling not recognizing yourself in your own shadow but I think I'm gonna like getting used to it.

A Victory of Sorts...

2009-08-23T16:21:00.001-07:00

Last night was the husband’s 30-year high school reunion. I didn’t have an opportunity to shop for it due to the pressures of work, but I did manage to fit into a tropical sarong type dress that I haven’t worn in years. I took out the shoulder pads (so outdated Diz…) and worried that I wouldn’t do justice to the man in front of his ole high-school buddies.

I needn’t have worried. I had a really good time…and I look pretty darned decent, if I don’t say so myself. No…I was not the thinnest, the most beautiful, the youngest, the hippest dressed, etc.. But I was, i.e., I was in the moment and I could enjoy it for what it was. How liberating that felt! I didn’t have to worry that the outfit I was wearing made me look fat, or the meal I was eating was stretching out my stomach and making my outfit feel unbearable!

It was a nice evening and a nice time. His friends were really nice and their spouses pleasant and witty and fun. I had a wonderful time picking out the popular crowd and the girls jockeying for the “Queen Bee” position. You could actually see High School life rearing its silly head yet again. The old queen, not quite what she used to be, and a new queen better that she was in high school and reveling in the feeling of it. It makes me slightly anxious about my 30-year reunion in 3 years. However, I was just a person, not really part of any crowd, so I don’t think I’ll have any pressure on me. I’ll just get to watch.

Spew Episode

2009-08-04T11:47:00.000-07:00

So I had another spewing incident today that I thought I'd relay to my bandsisters. It's kinda gross, so I'm just giving you a "heads up" right from jump. Here goes….

I generally have egg beaters in the morning. I heat them in the microwave and scarf down. Lately, microwave eggs do not agree with me. I thing they turn out more rubbery than cooking them in the pan, which I can't do at work. So I have my little cup of eggs and I'm going to work on them, but I stop eating because the band doesn't like them. Not one bit. I continue to work and the band continues to protest. Soon I get that feeling that I'm losing a battle and decide it's time to head to the restroom.

Off I stroll…trying to be casual, because no one knows about the band at work, right. I saunter into the restroom and there's no one in there. I head to the last stall, which is the big one for the physically challenged and get ready to dump the eggs. Before I do, I put my hair behind my shoulders and toss my work badge to the back. My work badge is on a specially made lanyard…more like a necklace…and it hangs down to the waist. I certainly don't need that hanging down as I'm doing my business.

I bend at the waist and proceed to empty the eggs (my, it sounds so civilized). As this stream is ejecting, suddenly my badge swings free and hits the stream. This causes some of the egg to go spewing sideways on to the floor, wall, etc. But for the grace of God, it didn't end up on my clothes (can you imagine the beginning of the day, before the meetings, having to clean that off and explain why the front of my chest looks like a bucket of water was thrown on it?). I finish and have to wipe down the badge. Then I have to clean the goop off the wall and the floor. I clean furiously before someone comes in and figures out that I've barfed on everything. I tell ya, just when you think you've got this banding thing down, it comes back and smacks you into recognition.

Nice to know I can still be humbled by the little things. I dump the uneaten eggs and an hour later head downstairs to the cafeteria for some double-toasted wheat bread and give that a shot.

Now for the rest of the day!!

Sent from Diz's iPhone

I've been lazy

2009-08-02T16:33:00.000-07:00

Sorry Ladies, I didn't mean to give any note of finality to my blog. Maybe to the past year, as I hopefully left some bad habits behind, and reworked friendships, etc. It's been really busy at work and I'm trying to finalize my project which should end on August 31st. I've promised to hold off on my vacations and since I work for the state of California, I've been furloughed 3 days a month. However, due to the nature of my project, I haven't taken my furloughs, so they've been accruing until the project ends. This makes for busy days and slacking off on the exercise...bad Diz. Also, taking a 15 percent paycut has been hard on my budget, so I'm learning to do without and figure out how to keep my hair appointments, etc. Fun!

Don't get me wrong, I'm lucky to have a job and I'm not complaining, but it's so hard to listen to all the "state worker" bashing that goes on in the media, by our Governor, etc. They make it sound like we're all rich, bonbon-eating, lazy bastards and it just isn't so. So please bear with me as my blogging has been a little light lately. I'll get back to the swing of things in September. The rib fest is coming, I turn 45, and I'll finally get to take some vacation...although I won't be able to afford to go too far. Tee Hee...the man had better be up for some hot, heavy sex marathons...that's cheap fun, right?

Love you Ladies!!!

Bandiversary Thoughts

2009-07-06T17:02:00.000-07:00

I've put off blogging about my Bandiversary. I'm not quite sure why. I celebrated by getting my iPhone, which I love, but I have mixed feelings about the date.

Do I regret my decision? No, it was the best move I've made in awhile. It was for me and no one else. I put this on par with my laser eye surgery. It did fantastic things for me and opened up a whole new world. So did the band. It took away the one thing I could never get rid of on my own...the intense hunger pangs that would never go away.

Am I happy with the weight loss? Yes, although I wished it was a little faster, but even that has worked in my favor. I've only told 4 people about my surgery. No one else knows, including my immediate family (i.e. brother, sister, mother, mother-in-law, father-in-law, etc). Because the weight loss has been more than a year and a half in the making, everyone assumes that it's diet and exercise...which it is, mostly. I even had one person say that she could tell that I didn't have surgery because of the absence of sagging skin and the look of health in my face.

Do I regret not telling people? Yes, and No. It's a double-edged sword. On the one hand, I didn't have to worry about being judged, scrutinized over my meal choices, assumptions that "I took the easy way out", etc. I was left alone to do what I needed to do. The interesting thing is that every so often, someone in my inner circle proves me right in my choice by making some uneducated statement about WLS and banding and even though I try and educate them (without telling them I have one), they still have it in their minds that what they assume is correct.

On the other hand, sometimes I feel like I'm keeping this huge secret and that I'm dishonest by not telling them. In a way, I am. But it is my business. Remember the whole Starr Jones episode? People were so judgmental about her not "being honest" and telling, but really, who's business is it? Why the need to expose everything to the world when you know that it can change the dynamics of your relationships, including family. No, it's not fair, but life never is.

What's the worst thing that's happened after surgery? I'd have to say the public spewing episode in front of the nail salon that I go to. The pain of the surgery wasn't bad. My hair thinning was surprising but not bad (and it's better now), the scarring isn't bad. Fills are not bad (and I detest needles). It's the knowledge that once the spewing starts, you can't stop it...the pb just comes and you have to roll, which means that I have to evaluate what I've eaten and done to produce the pb and avoid it in the future. Not bad. A great tip shared by my blogsisters is to keep zip-lock bags in your car, which I do. I now keep on in my handbag...just in case.

What about never eating my favorite foods again? Ok, in my behavior classes we talked about certain foods to stay away from, etc. But my doctor said I could try whatever I wanted and I would "know" if I could eat it or not. This was not a license to eat chips, ice cream and drink soda. As a matter of fact, I've had soda, but I only drink tiny amounts and only once every 3 to 4 months and usually as a mixer (i.e. diet 7-up in my margarita). I pretty much gave up soda, because I don't need it. I love sushi, mexican food, lobster, etc. Did I have to give it up? No. But my band does tell me when and how much rice I can have. My band doesn't like raw carrots, but will be ok with really cooked carrots. Fibrous foods have to be well cooked, or else. I'm glad I had the behavior classes, because it made me look at the times I eat and how I'm feeling when I make crappy choices. This has really helped in controlling my food portions and limiting crap food. I won't lie, I've eaten crap since being banded, but I don't eat a lot of crap. I pick and choose and cut myself some slack.

Do I have to exercise? Yes, I do. Others do not. I have to exercise because it helps keep my high blood pressure in check. I can still lose weight without exercising, but the exercise has helped my skin glow, my muscles tone, and made my shape look good, which is why people don't question me on my weight loss. My regimen has been a little strict, but I'm relaxing a bit. By exercising hard during the week and tracking the healthy things I eat, I eat what I want on the weekends (within reason) and still lose weight.

How much weight have I lost? 84 lbs. I started earnestly at the end of February, 2008 and lost the first 35 lbs before surgery, on June 19th 2008. The rest of the 50 lbs came after. Could I have lost it faster? Yes. I could be stricter with my choices, but I chose to live and eat normally...i.e. like the rest of the world, and not be on a perpetual "diet". I refuse to diet in the "diet" sense of the word, i.e. I'm on a diet. Instead I tell people that I'm not on a diet, I'm making healthier life and food choices...and I am.

How much do I want to weigh? That's a tricky question. I'm not going for a model look, I'm going for healthy. I'm 5 feet and between 7 and 8 inches tall. I want to weigh between 140 and 160 lbs. Which means I have around 25 to 35 lbs to go. I'll know when I get close. I refuse to go for a number on the scale. I'll know by the way I feel and the way everything is proportioned on me. I have 14lbs on the radar so I'll be 100 lbs down..hoping by my birthday in September. We'll see.

What differences I have experienced? Well, awesome things actually. I don't huff and puff going up and down stairs. I can wear high heels again. I don't fit into my old clothes. I have sexual stamina...wearing out the man! Do you know how awful it is to be weezing during sex? My sleep apnea is gone. The husband used to count when I stopped breathing during the night. I don't snore much anymore. I'm more confident and have a confident stride when I walk. I WEAR ACTUAL BATHING SUITS!!! OMG, I can't tell you how much I missed that! Granted, I don't like my babyfat thighs showing, but boardshorts are ok. I can actually take a decent picture. I have to remember to lift my chin and not tuck it under though. Summer heat doesn't bother me as much. When the temperature is in the 100's, it used to sap me horribly, but now, I don't really mind it. It pisses off my sister and my superficial friends. Ok, nasty of me, I know, but there's a certain amount of satisfaction that comes with that. They assumed that I'd always be heavier and now that I'm not, it makes them uncomfortable. So on the flip side, it's shown me who my true friends are. They are happy that I'm healthier and thinner and always tell me how proud they are of me. And most important...even though my husband has ALWAYS said I'm beautiful...I'm actually starting to believe him.

BONUS: All the blogs I get to read and all the BandSister's I've met online. I get the greatest tidbits and info from all of you. You always provide me with laughs. I get great advice and have no fear that you will all judge me or make me feel like crap. You share the most heartfelt and extraordinary things and put life into perspective for me. Each of you make my journey possible. I sure appreciate all of you. Thank you so much.

I just got Lucky!!!

2009-06-09T19:58:00.001-07:00

A self portrait. Everyone says that I take pictures of other and never myself (gee, wonder why?) so here you go....

Brother and sister sharing a moment. I love shots like these and I think that one day, they'll love them too.

My SerenieBeanie having fun.

I met my Girlies and we said our final goodbye to our favorite Tea house...which is closing. While we ate some delightful stuff, I'm sure going to miss our fun times here!

My beautiful niece came for the weekend and I couldn't resist taking her picture while she slept. I'm always awed by her beauty and her brain!

Thought you'd enjoy this...

2009-06-02T20:08:00.001-07:00

This was me in February of 2008...Talk about jolly!

Another VidBlog

2009-05-31T13:24:00.000-07:00

Let's see if my lips match this time....tee hee.

Off Sync

2009-05-25T22:27:00.001-07:00

Hey...my lips move and don't match what I'm saying...too funny!

Trying a Video Blog

2009-05-25T21:34:00.000-07:00

I actually have a couple of older vidblogs, but I've never posted them yet. It's weird to see the difference in my face from the first ones to now. Anyway, I thought I'd try something different, so you'll have to let me know if you like it or hate it. I have all of this equipment on my Mac, but I don't utilize it to it's full capabilities. I think it's about time I did.

Warped Survey...

2009-05-14T21:12:00.000-07:00

I stole this from Achieving Me.

1. First thing you wash in the shower?
My Hair.

2. What color is your favorite hoodie?
Lavender

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Oh yes...never regret kisses.

4. Do you plan outfits?
Naw, I'm a "fly by the seat of my pants" kind of girl..and often look like it.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
Weird. It's hard to breathe deep and I had a rough day.

6. Whats the closest thing to you that's red?
My Nail Tips

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?
Believe it or not, last night I had a dream that I was slow dancing with Matthew McConaughey and we were nose tip to nose tip. He wanted to kiss me, and I kept burying my face in his neck. What the hell was I thinking???

8. Did you meet anybody new today?
Not face to face.

9. What are you craving right now?
To feel better.

10. Do you floss?
Absolutely!

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
Corned Beef...always the carnivore.

12. Are you emotional?
I can usually pick and choose.

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000?
Yes, but not lately.

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
Both. I stab it and mix it around. Sometimes I use a fork.

15. Do you like your hair?
It's ok...a little dry.

16. Do you like yourself?
Most of the time.

17. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush?
Absolutely. Although he might not have been our best President, I will always be thankful for his calm after 9-11.

18. What are you listening to right now?
The TV in the other room and the tapping of my fingers.

19. Are your parents strict?
They were, in the Jehovah's Witness phase. I was always self-sufficient though.

20. Would you go sky diving?
Is this summer soon enough?

21. Do you like cottage cheese?
Yes, but only in very small amounts.

22. Have you ever met a celebrity?
Yes. I do live in California. I've met a few.

23. Do you rent movies often?
No. We have lots of movies. And there never seems to be enough time.

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in?
The ring on my finger is doing a fine job.

25. How many countries have you visited?
Four.

26. Have you made a prank phone call?
Of course.

27. Ever been on a train?
Not to get from point A to point B....but I'll never forget the ride.

28. Brown or white eggs?
I prefer brown, but eat both

29.Do you have a cell phone?
Yes, but soon it will be the 32GB iPhone.

30. Do you use chapstick?
No, but I do use Lip balm.

31. Do you own a gun?
Hell yes. A Sig 40.

32. Can you use chop sticks?
Yes.

33. Who are you going to be with tonight?
Husband and the boy.

34. Are you too forgiving?
Not anymore.

35. Ever been in love?
Oh yea.

37. Ever have cream puffs?
Yup. Paid for it too.

38. Last time you cried?
An hour ago.

39. What was the last question you asked?
Would you sign this for me hun?

40. Favorite time of the year?
That's too difficult. I like all the seasons in their turn.

41. Do you have any tattoos?
Nope

42. Are you sarcastic?
Eff yea...and if you don't like it...Suck it! I need to drink some more of my margarita...sorry ladies.

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?
Is that a sex move?

44. Have you ever walked into a wall?
walls, doors, other people...

45. Favorite color?
Black and red

46. Have you ever slapped someone?
Oh yea.

47. Is your hair curly?
Kinky curly...I chemically straighten it.

48. What was the last CD you bought?
Velvet Revolver

49. Do looks matter?
Not anymore.

50. Could you ever forgive a cheater?
No.

51. Is your phone bill sky high?
It's fair.

52. Do you like your life right now?
Most of it. And it's getting better every day.

53. Do you sleep with the TV on?
Not if I can help it. I compromise and leave it on during the weekends for the husband.

54. Can you handle the truth?
Yes. It doesn't mean I like to, but I don't have issues with it.

55. Do you have good vision?
Hell yes...laser eye surgery will do that for ya.

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?
Yes.

57. How often do you talk on the phone?
Every day, although I try not to.

58. The last person you held hands with?
I think it was my niece.

59. What are you wearing?
Sweat pants, tee shirt.

60. What are your favorite top 3 animals?
My Calico Kitties. Lions and Deer (I take it the question is NOT 3 favorite animals to eat).

61. Where was your default picture taken?
Home.

62. Can you hula hoop?
Yes

63. Do you have a job?
Yes.

64. What was the most recent thing you bought?
Prenatal vitamins for my hair.

65. Have you ever crawled through a window?
Oh yea. Who hasn't?

I'm not giving up on the blogging....

2009-05-10T18:26:00.001-07:00

Once I reach my goal weight. There's still the journey of maintaining the weight, right? Besides, I can't give you ladies up. My life without you in it would be dull. There's something about each of you that I connect with and can't live without now. So don't think you can lose me that easily. I can't wait to visit Aussie Land and visit my Aussie Ladies (That includes 'map of Tassie" land too....I mean the LAND...not someone's certain map of Tassie...Ok..I better just shut up cuz my foot is in my mouth and headed toward the band.)!!!

WARNING: GROSS STUFF AHEAD!!!

Ok, so I've had my last fill for awhile, and won't see the doctor until July 17th. In the meantime, I experienced my first public PB episode and it wasn't pretty! I had lunch (rolled beef tacos smothered in guacamole)...they're basically taquitos. I ate about 3 of them and felt fine. I started sipping my water about an hour afterward and headed to my Nail Girl's place. I get there, and I can't stop burping. She's working on someone else, but my burping is getting embarrasing. I walk around a little bit and she asks if I'm ok. I said yes, and kept walking around. I get to the front of the store and it comes up. My mouth is full of slime and stuff and I'm desperately trying to swallow it back down. In my head I'm wondering if I can run fast enough to the back of the store and the bathroom. No...I clamp my hand over my mouth as my cheeks start to bulge out like some nut-filled chipmunk on steroids, and make a run through the front door. I quickly glance right and left...there are people, but if I go behind a pillar, I can do it, which is what I do. Yakkkkk...out it comes. I would've gotten away clean if this long strand of thick saliva didn't purposely jump back on my shirt as evidence. Damn it!!!

I go back into the store.."Diz, are you ok...did you just get sick in front of the store?" Damn, she knows. Yes I said, I'm ok. I just have to clean myself up. I go into the bathroom. When I come out, I have this big wet block on the front of my shirt where I cleaned off the slime. I'm getting sympathy. Are you sick? No, I said...it must've been something I ate. Where did you eat? I told them and they said "Oh, we've heard of that place. Did you have chicken or beef? Beef. Oh, that must be it." Disaster averted, and they haven't figured out that I have a band yet. Sooner or later, it's coming out. Ah well.

The interesting thing was, when she was at her register at the front of the store, she could see it. She came back and said "It's not very chunky". I laughed and said that I've learned to be really good at chewing my food.

29.9 BMI - Overweight

2009-05-04T16:44:00.000-07:00

Just barely made the "Overweight" category. I am officially no longer "Obese". Wow...I've been waiting for this day. To be happy to be overweight and not obese. I'm wearing a size 14 and feel like I'm much lighter on my feet. I feel flexible and I have energy, which is really nice.

I can see things that I haven't seen in years! I can wipe normally, my arm is long enough, when it didn't used to be. Yea, I know it's a TMI subject, but it's time for me to face those things. My butt is muscular (and flat damn it) and my legs are strong. I've started working with weights again and scaled my StairMaster back to a half hour in the morning and the evening to make time for weights. It was time to shake things up again because 4 lbs over the past 6 weeks is not enough. Now...if I could only get rid of this gut!!! It's shrinking, but it's always the last thing to go. How do you shrink lose skin??? I've been trying to figure that one out, and I mean without tummy-tuck surgery. All these things floating around my brain. Ah well...

The man won't stop talking, so I'm gonna finish this post for now...

Happy Easter!!!

2009-04-14T20:22:00.001-07:00

This weekend was a Fantabulous weekend. I got to have Beanie for the weekend, so we celebrated our Easter dinner on Saturday. It was so great to have the boy, my Niece, Mom, Mom and Dad in law, etc.

We were playing at the park and I shot this picture.

We took a walk to the pond and hiked around it. Beanie wanted a piggy back ride home and brother wouldn't do it...so I (SuperWoman) piggybacked her up a big hill and back home (little over a mile). Man, it felt so good to know I was strong and fit enough.

"Look Auntie...I found another one!!!"

Brother helping Beanie down from the Monkey bars!

Brother and Beanie walking along the pond path.

High Maintenance People (HMPs)

2009-04-02T19:26:00.001-07:00

Ever notice how draining high maintenance people can be? Let’s refer to them as HMP’s to cut down on my typing. HMPs are like vampires. They suck your life-force out of you with no remorse or regret. They’re worse than vampires because it would be so much easier to scare them away with garlic and a wooden stake, and I’m a serious garlic eater (haven’t staked anything in awhile….).

I work with HMPs that have to be told what to do at all turns. OMG, one is constantly at my bosses desk harping on working on an FSR like she’s never done one before. She harps on the smallest details and whines like there’s no tomorrow. It is so distracting. Then she comes to my desk to, not only talk about her workload (which doesn’t compare to mine), but to talk about personal issues or whomever is bugging her at the moment. She doesn’t have a cutoff switch. I could curl your hair with some of the stuff she talks about. I try to be professional and courteous and shut her down so she doesn’t carry on forever and set me back on my own schedule…doesn’t always work. So I try other tactics like…”Hey, gotta use the restroom” and her response? “I’ll walk with you”.

On top of that she beotches about a co-worker who’s never here and doesn’t have a respectable workload, when she’s gone all the time for her “irritable bowels”…Let me tell ya, she is an irritable bowel!

I guess what bothers me is that I’ve done some serious personal work to divorce myself from the HMPs in my life, like my Mother, Sister, crazed high school friend, etc. I’ve learned to manage that aspect of my life, because it was one of the biggest reasons for my weight issues. I can’t really escape the HMPs at work. Thank God I keep limited funds on me and I bring my meals… I continuously have to remind myself to “go to that Zen place in my head, where the big bad monsters can’t hurt me”. I do my therapeutic breathing, i.e. breathe in to the count of eight….hold it for 4 counts, breathe out for the count of eight…start over. I wonder if the HMPs realize that I’m doing breath relaxation in front of them, or have they been it with the “world revolution” stick too many times.

Ah well… I appreciate the chance to vent. I know ya’ll feel me because we all have those HMPs in our lives. Don’t give in without a fight! Don’t let em suck the life out of ya…unless it’s a serious slab of beef cake wearing Quorum cologne and ready to lick sorbet off your inner thighs….hey…a girl’s gotta live a little.

How Bad Do You Want It?

2009-03-28T13:06:00.000-07:00

I visited my dermatologist a couple of days ago due to some recurring skin problems. This guy was a total ass. He wasn't really listening to a damn thing I said and was extremely negative. I figured that this would be an excellent opportunity to ask him about loose skin.

Hey Doc, I've lost some weight and would like to know how to tighten up the lose skin. His reply "you need a tummy tuck". I'm pissed and I said. Doc, you haven't seen my stomach and that isn't what I asked you. I also have loose skin under my arms and on my thighs. What can I do to tighten up the skin? His reply "You can only use surgery". See??? ASS!

His assistant asked me how I did it and I told her. She said that she was considering gastric bypass but was really upset by her doctor's response to her loss of 13 lbs. He had responded something with something along the lines of ..."you're still heavier than you were this time last year". (The asses are coming out of the woodwork!). She was disheartened by the response and hadn't walked and gained 4 lbs. I asked her..."How bad do you want it?" I told her that if this is what she really wants than she cant let some moron doctor stand in her way. She can't let any loved one stand in her way. I told her that I knew how Kaiser's policy of losing 10% of your weight before allowing surgery can get discouraging. Hell, I managed to gain weight, had to lose that, then loose the 10% on top of that. I hugged her because I am her. I've been there. I'm still there. The struggle to make the right choices, watch my portions, exercise...but it really all boils down to "how bad do I want it?" Enough to sweat? Enough to put up with saggy thighs and stomach? Enough to stand up to people and refuse the wrong foods, etc?

When it get's tough...I ask myself that question, and my heart knows the answer. I suck it up, and do it.

So Close....

2009-03-22T17:43:00.001-07:00

So I got on the scale this morning (I try to save that for the
weekends only) and the scale read...195 lbs. Haven't seen that
number since before I was married (15+ years ago). I'm so close to
getting out of the "Obese" category and into the "Overweight"
category of my BMI. Whoda thunk I'd be so happy to merely be
overweight??? We have to take the small victories along with the big
ones, right?

I went to the Doc on Friday and he likes my progress. I had him give
me a half fill (.3 ml) instead of the .5 he usually gives me. I'm so
close to finding the sweet spot..I can feel it, so I didn't want to
push myself over the edge. My next appointment is for May 1st, and
I'd really like to be in the 180 range...closer to 180. Can I lose
12 lbs in 6 weeks? I think it's doable if I stick to my "good
routine" and continue making my stair machine my bitch. Ah
well...Here's a pic of what I woke up to this morning....

Of all the Frakkin......

2009-03-18T19:28:00.000-07:00

I know we’ve all been there..right? You get ready to work out….you put on the right clothes, socks, shoes, etc. You muster up the gumption of getting your butt into gear because you really don’t like to exercise (you do after you get into it, but we all know the first 5 minutes are hell) and there are a million other things you could do instead (check email, Facebook, update blog, eat…eat…eat) but you’re on a mission. You know summer is coming and you want to get into those original Board Skirts (made in California) that you purchased in a size 10 for incentive….

Ah, there I am…looking HOT, wearing my board skirt…all the guys are looking my way, got my Vans and Wayfarers on…Hellooooo Diz. OMG, it’s Dwayne “ The Rock” Johnson, looking like the ultimate meat popsicle eye candy that he is…and he wants ME!!! Can this dream get any better??? Late night dinner, licking desert off his rock hard chiseled body, mind-blowing sex for the next 48 hours…oh wait…I am dreaming and I digress…

Ok, where was I??? Oh yea, working out. So you finally get your sorry butt out on your StairMaster, crank up the tunes and yea…YOU ARE IN THE ZONE! Muscles are flowing, legs are pumping, heart rate is good, the tunes are rockin’ and helping you keep your steps rhythmic. And then….your iPod craps out and you’re only 6 minutes into the routine. You still have another 34 minutes to go with NO MUSIC!!! Can there be a greater hell? My eyes glance to my board skirts, hanging where they’ll provide the most inspiration. Alright, you frakking MFers, INSPIRE ME, my mind screams. And, like manna from heaven, they do! They transport me to the Dean Roland dream (Dean Roland of Collective Soul???..Picture below…) where he’s licking desert off of my body, etc., but first he has to strip off the awesome board skirts that I can fit into…wait, it’s easy for him because THEY’RE TOO BIG! And before you know it…the exercise is over, and I can go back to cursing my iPod for crapping out on me.

To give my iPod it’s due…I’ve had it since 03, and it was a matter of time before the battery finally crapped out on me. It doesn’t hold a charge anymore. So I have to figure out how to replace the battery, or…get a new iPod. My dilemma?? I’ve been waiting 2 years for an iPhone with at least 32 gigs, and with Apple’s announcement yesterday of the new OS3 for iPhone/iTouch and the new options and apps, I know it’s coming…and gonna cost me a pretty penny. With the economy being the way it is, I can’t afford to do both. Shhhhhhh..don’t tell the man, but I’ve snagged his for now and as long as he doesn’t figure it out…I’ll use that one. Teehee.

Four Things

2009-03-08T11:52:00.000-07:00

Four names that people call me (other than by my first name):
1. Diz: Brother gave me that when we were young
2. Reecey: Wine-Country Girls call me that
3. Dizzy: Girl at work call me that
4. Daris: Grandma gave me that and only people pre HS Grad know it.

Four jobs I have had:
1. Gift Wrapper
2. Legislative bill tracking
3. e-file
4. Project Management.

Four movies I would watch more than once: (I have seen all of these at least 5 times)
1. Holiday Inn
2. Gladiator
3. Return to Me
4. Kill Bill Vol 1 & 2...I love it when women kick ass

Four places I have lived
1. Sacramento, CA
2. Shingle Springs, CA
3. Citrus Heights, CA
4. Foothills, CA

Four places I have been:
1. Nadi, Fiji
2. Whistler, British Columbia
3. Isla Mujeres, Mexico
4. Orlando, FL

Four Animals I have known or had in my lifetime
1. Pandy - First Dog
2. Richard - First Cat
3. Daphnie- Last Dog
4. Fat Jack Kitty Kat - Most beloved

Four of my favorite foods:
1. Salmon, raw or cooked
2. Any oceanic crustacean
3. Mexican food
4. Beef

Four places I'd rather be right now:
1. Los Cabos, Mexico
2. San Diego, CA...my heart is there
3. Eating Gumbo with my Great Aunt Lorraine
4. I'm there right now...HOME!

Four things I am looking forward to this year:
1. Finishing a huge project at work
2. Disneyland with the Niece
3. Summer
4. Improving my health

Four TV shows that I watch:
1. Anthony Bourdain - No Reservations
2. Biggest Loser (The husband loves that show)
3. True Blood
4. Any cooking show (my form of crack)

Four Songs that I love
1. Maybe, Collective Soul
2. Extraordinary, Liz Phair
3. Masquerade, Berlin
4. November Rain, Guns N Roses

Four modern conveniences I wouldn't want to live without
1. My iMac
2. My iPod
3. My Vehicle
4. Airplanes (I love to travel)

Onderland

2009-03-02T10:22:00.000-08:00

WOW!!! Can't believe I've finally reached this moment. I don't think I've seen Onderland in 15 years. I did get close, but didn't quite reach it. I don't know what I'm feeling right now.

I'm really happy, but in a way I feel like this is just part of the journey and it's not over. I thought I'd jump up and down screaming, but I just held my breath and looked down and there it was. Admittedly, it's close...i.e. 199.4, but there's still no fraking "2" on the display. And I was naked....so I'm gonna have to work harder to reach that Onderland with clothes on so the Doctor will see it too. But still...I saw it. I'd take a picture, but I know the camera will register on the scale.

It took me longer than it's taken most of you. Some of you saw that weight drop off pretty quick then plateau out. Some of us just struggled and struggle still. Don't give up. Don't be disheartened. It will come to all of us, right? For the first time, I see a summer that I may actually enjoy. I won't be hiding behind long pants and sleeves. Don't get me wrong, I will be hiding that upper thigh baby fat...you know the fat that babies have with their diapers on, and their legs just look cute and chubby and there's that pocket of fat right below the bottom of the diaper on each leg? I got that...damn it. And the bottom of my arms still swing...and I still have belly fat to play with and jiggle...so my journey is not done. But, I think it's gonna be a fine summer, and I think I may make my goal by my 45th birthday. Here's to us Ladies!

Thanks for all your lovely comments about Brother. I know that's what made him better. I used to hate having my picture taken also, but just before I started this journey, I threw up my hands and decided to own my picture...good or bad. I didn't have to be happy about it, I just stopped fighting the camera and the people taking my picture...no matter what their intent was behind it. Which is why you are able to see those pics with me at 267.

I'm Back

2009-03-01T16:16:00.000-08:00

Well, I left on Valentines Day to Omaha, Nebraska...where the brotherhead lives. He hasn't seen me since I lost some weight, so he was surprised and happy. I had a great time visiting and the kids were so much fun. Brother had his cancer removed and all is well. It doesn't look malignant or anything, so that's good news. It never got above freezing there, but I still managed to walk outside for a few miles a day. It was good once I got going.

We took the kids to the Kids Science Museum, which was a blast. Lots of learning tools and activities to keep the kids busy. I had my trusty camera and managed to take some great pics, but some of the best ones came from my camera phone.

This is my Brother. He's 14 months younger than I am. He had to repeat Kindergarten because I spoke for him the first 5 yrs of his life. When he got to school he didn't talk much, so....

This is my Niece Ricki. This would've been a frameable picture, but she had to stick her tongue out. I hate it when kids do that.

This is my Nephew Christopher and my Niece Ricki.

I accidently got my hand caught between the seat cushion and the metal frame of my dining chair as I was pulling it forward and sitting down. I had a bitch of a time not screaming obscenities in front of the kids. My Nail person Jen is awesome and her nails NEVER come off, so snapping this one took some force and some skin and blood with it. All better now.

This is the Group shot....Christopher, My Brother, Ricki and me. We were having fun!

Food Porn...and other things...

2009-02-09T20:15:00.000-08:00

I watch Anthony (Tony) Bourdain's No Reservation show, and tonight it was on Food Porn. When it comes to food, this guy totally "gets" it. He was showing some of the best chefs and food places he's been to. Sushi, pork, fusion, noodles, chocolate....I could feel the saliva building up in my mouth for the tiniest morsel of what I was seeing. It was definitely porn for the eyes! He knows how to bring it all home in his irreverent style.

On a different note...please offer up a prayer for Chase, a relative of Sofi's. He's been battling cancer and it looks like he's suffered a setback. We're all here for ya Sofi.

I will also be taking a short break from blogging in the near future. My brother has a brain tumor, so I'll be flying to Omaha to be with him for the surgery. It gets a little complicated for him because of his bypass surgeries and the blood thinners he's on for his heart. I'm not going to worry though, unless God gives me something to worry about and this isn't it. I'm the head of my family and make all the tough decisions, so I know that's part of the reason he wants me there...plus, to be honest, I'm the Mom, even though we're only 14 months apart (I'm the eldest).

Ya know, I was really looking forward to boring. I was getting used to cutting out the drama in my life and focusing on my inner chi. Hopefully, I'll be back to boring by this summer.

Special Shout Out to my Aussie Buddies. I pray that the fires have not affected any of you and your families are safe.

PigSkin Fest

2009-02-03T19:46:00.001-08:00

So Sunday was SuperBowl. This is the modern-day American version of the Gladiator Games pitting two teams against each other, wrestling over a pig-skin ball. My friend Kimmy invited us over for some fun and games. OMG…the food she provided was out of this WORLD! We had BBQ ribs, chicken and hotdogs, spicy chicken wings and mini dogs, Tri-tip, artichoke dip, spinach dip, smoked salmon dip, parmesan cheese dip, chips, crackers, salami, shrimp, cookies, brownies, Macaroni salad, potato salad, fruit, 7-layer dip, margaritas, beer, soda, etc.. I PIGGED OUT…well, as much as one can.

It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining and warm and I stayed outside as much as possible for such a great day. I came in for the last 45 minutes of the game. We just had a blast. Kimmy took a couple of self-portraits of us with her camera. You can totally tell we were having a great time.

WooHoo. Pittsburgh Steelers kicked Arizona Cardinals butt…27-23. Boy, it was a close one!

Onederland on the Radar

2009-02-02T12:38:00.000-08:00

Well, I finally see Onderland in sight. My goal is to reach it by the end of this month. Plenty of time to lose 7 lbs. I haven't seen Onderland in years. Many...many years! Got close a couple of times, but not there. I am happy about it, and excited. But I'm more excited about sloughing off the excess baggage that I've been carrying around forever. The crappy family dynamics that I used food to help me overcome. It's falling into place and I really like it.

The Boy is back and living in the house and I'm working and succeeding at not falling into his drama with his wife and the pending dissolution of his marriage. I'm hoping that I'm setting an example for him to follow, so he doesn't take 44 years of his life to figure out certain things and be comfortable about himself and his role for his family.

Are things perfect in DizWorld? No. I'm taking a 10% paycut and the man is due to be laid off from his job. But we've got our home and have owned it for 17 years, so our house payment is small and affordable. We're not upside-down (i.e. the house is worth more than our debt in it) like so many people unfortunately are. We'll make it. I've finally taken control of my life and although I may slip up a bit, I think I'm doing ok. Onederland is looking better and better.

Hysteroscopy Continued....

2009-01-24T12:46:00.000-08:00

Hey Ladies. No worries over the procedure. I'm feeling pretty good now. And I love my Gyno. He was my infertility specialist and kept me on as his client. He's a man that actually did stand-up comedy before going to medical school. So picture an older gentleman, dark hair and close trimmed beard, about 210 lb., sitting between your legs doing this stuff and singing Led Zeppelins' "Black Dog". Yea, It may have hurt like hell, but his bedside demeanor is GOLDEN! It could've been much worse! I was laughing while suffering and it doesn't get much better than that, so...If you're ever in the Sacramento Area looking for a good Gynecologist, please consider Dr. Zimmerman. If you're gonna have a man doctor...he's the best.

Hysteroscopy

2009-01-23T08:47:00.000-08:00

Well, had the procedure done yesterday. Turns out I had multiple polyps. The first one was big and blocked our view of the others...yes, I got to watch it all on TV. After he removed that one and saw the others, he hooked me up to a machine that sucked out my innards...oooowwweeeee that was painful. Hopefully this will stop that eternal bleeding that I have.

Interview...

2009-01-21T18:29:00.000-08:00

Ok Ladies, the following are the answers to your questions...best I can.

Tracey:- For this weeks Inauguration I was...at work! Inauguration day is not an American holiday, and I'm responsible for a big money project at work, so there's no way I could stay home to see it...however, we live in the land of Tivo, so I just got to watch it later. I have to say that while I enjoyed the inauguration, I was deeply offended by the Rev. Joseph Lowery's prayer when he recited..."help us work for that day when black will not be asked to give back, when brown can stick around, when yellow will be mellow, when the red man can get ahead, man, and when white will embrace what is right." I feel this is a racist prayer that divides us into races and does not bind us together as a people. And, while I am an American mutt, I have more black in me than anything, I find it offensive to assume that White does not embrace what is right. Most white people to embrace it, not every one of every race does what is right. If I was Asian American...do I want to be described as "Yellow"? This prayer only proves that a black minister can be as racist as anyone else. SAD!

She Smiles:- My fondest memory of my childhood...boy that is a tough question. Most of my childhood memories are tainted with something bad, so I'll say the treasure hunt. I'm an avid reader and was one as a kid. I had mentioned that it would be fun to find buried treasure because I read it in a book. A few weeks after that (my comment long forgotten), we received a letter from my imprisoned Uncle Larry detailing how he had robbed a bank of unminted gold coins. In order to find it, we had to figure out the code written at the end of the letter, which would lead us kids to a key and a map. After a few days, my brother and I cracked the code and found the key and a map at our Grandpa's house in his bathroom. We figured out where the map said to go and begged our parents to drive us there. We ended up doing a hike along the Sacramento river and found the landmarks that the map detailed. We had to do a little digging, but loh and behold...There was the strong box with "Bank of America" imprinted on the side! My brother and I took turns hauling this big strong box to the car as it was very heavy and rattled. We didn't dare open the box because people might see the coins. When we got home with our treasure, my brother and I took the key and opened the box and there inside....was coins of all sizes! big, little ...you name it. Bright sparkly, heavy gold coins! We started screaming "We're rich...we're rich" and tossing the coins in the air and bathing in a golden shower...(NO...not that one!). We were poor, so this was a huge deal to us. To celebrate our parents took us out to our favorite pizza, which was a rare occasion. After the meal and feeling satisfied, our parents broke the news...The coins were actually made of brass and bathed in acid to make them smooth and shiny. Our parents, hearing my wish for buried treasure, created this elaborate plan to give us exactly that.

The happiest day of my life is in a 5 way tie. The day I moved out of the house and gained my independence; each day my two nephews and niece was born (I actually got to witness the two boys birth) and the day I was married.

Melanie:- The best thing about losing 60 pounds is the feeling of "EFF YOU to the Grim Reaper..."I'm not your bitch yet!" That sleep apnea was killing me and that machine felt like the spider things from the "Alien" movies on my face every night. I think that being overweight offered me the illusion of protection. If I'm truly honest with myself, I have to ask myself "What kind of protection gives me the feeling of shame?" I felt shame if an airplane seatbelt didn't fit; shame when looking for a place to sit and trying to find a sturdy chair; shame when doing the simple thing of eating and knowing people are scrutinizing my food choices and most of all shame of my body...so much so that I could count on one hand how many times my husband has seen me naked. The lighter I get, the more free I feel, i.e. the lightness of being vs the weight of living. And without that shameful feeling clouding my head, I don't need the illusion any more. Heavy Man!!!

Nola:- My most treasured possession aside from family (and I'm including my Calico Kitties as family)? Hmm...I'd love to say my Mac and my gadgets. But after thinking about it, I'd have to say my independent spirit. I know I can survive without a man (although I'd really miss the sex), I know that I can earn a living, I know that I can fight for myself, and that makes me free. My mother had me at 16 and from that point on, due to being a high school drop out, was limited in her choices. She chose abusive assholes for spouses to make sure her children were taken care of and took a lot of physical and mental abuse because if it. She was always filled with doubt, always limited in her thinking, always confined by her responsibilities and I was determined that I wouldn't be that girl. No man was ever going to hold me down to make himself feel better. If I had children, I was going to have options to take care of them. She was imprisoned...and still is to this day because she thinks that she "can't" do things. I am free.

The "stand out" belly laugh is a slightly morbid tale. It was just after the demise of the Twin Towers in New York. I had to travel that October on business and was slightly nervous about my flight. I made sure to tell the people I love that I love them and if anything happens there are no regrets and that I died a happy woman. So I travel to L.A. and everything is good. No problems on the flight. Do my business for 3 days and head back. The flight back was a little turbulent which doesn't bother me...because I think of roller coasters. People around me were extremely edgy. The closer we get to home, the more turbulent the flight. and being less than a month from 9-11, you could tell that people were thinking about the plane, the turbulence, getting home safely, etc. As the plane begins the decent and is jittering like a sonofab..., this little girl, about 4 years old, stands up in the seat in front of me, stretches out her arms, and yells at the top of her lungs...."OH YEA BABY....WE'RE GOING DOWN!!!" Heads swivel in her direction and the look of terror on peoples faces struck this cord in me and I started laughing hysterically. The little girl turns around and gives me this look of "Hey...she gets it!" And I did. Tears are rolling down my face and I can't stop laughing and people around me started laughing at my laughing...which made me laugh harder. To this day, when something good is going right I use her phrase and say the same thing..."Oh Yea Baby..we're going down!"

Dawn:- It isn't fair to ask that question because I haven't been every where in the world yet! But based on my limited knowledge, if I could live anywhere, I would live at Lake Tahoe. There's something about the blue of the water, the surrounding mountains, the smell of pine, the history and the beauty of the place that brings peace to my soul. When you stand on the edge of the lake at night, the stars glittering above and reflecting off the water, and inhale...when you exhale, all the bad stuff seems to go with it. Also, there's nothing like taking the Tahoe Queen (paddle wheel boat) across the lake in January to Emerald Bay. When you stand at the bow of the boat, and it breaks the crust of ice, it looks like billions of tiny diamonds skittering across the surface. Breathtaking!

The husband picked, and the winner is....Dawn!!! Go on over to Dawn's blog and ask her those deep, dark, psychotic, fun, glib interesting questions so we can learn all about her.... Go Dawn! P.S. Don't forget...you got some splaining to do!

Changes

2009-01-19T15:45:00.000-08:00

Everyone is excited about the Presidential Inauguration tomorrow, but for different reasons. Some see tomorrow's inauguration as a racial thing, i.e. first black man, etc. Some see it as "Change" although many don't know what exact change they are looking for. Many see this election as the dawn of Socialism in America, a change to the very fabric of American Democracy. And many see this as another Clinton regime, due to the cabinet choices already made by the President-Elect. Many fear the future of America at the helm of someone they see as having little experience and big money backers, i.e. will he have the backbone to stand up for some of the "Changes" he envisions, or has he already been bought? No one really knows who Barack Obama is, and based upon his political tenure, is unsure of how he will govern at the hands of a democrat-controlled congress. To be honest, I'd say most Americans are tired of the two-tiered political party system and would like to see changes to it.

As a woman of color (well actually an American Mutt i.e. Black, French, German, possible hispanic and God knows what else), I don't see this as a black thing, although the moment is undeniably historic for America. I do see this as a pivotal time for America. I can't say whether the changes will be good or bad. I have to adopt a "wait and see" attitude. However, I believe that Americans must make a change for themselves. I see the core of American values rotting from the inside and spreading like wildfire. I see selfishness and the love of money eroding the moral compass of our people. I see the loss of the value of hard work for a day's pay for easy money and the willingness to rob people of their retirement. I see parents allowing their children to cheat in school, treat their teachers like crap and then defend their children's rotten behaviour, even suing. I see our society growing ever more litigious and not caring about right and wrong...just about winning the case. If America continues on this path, we'll be lost as a nation.

Don't get me wrong...there are many great things about this Country, many great people doing wonderful things, many great children volunteering and seeing the affect that good deeds has on our society as a whole. We are a nation of hard workers, we thrive on ingenuity, we see our responsibility not just to our nation, but to the world as a whole...as a world of people. I'm hoping, just as I always hope, that each new President will contribute to the good of America, will uphold the fundamental values, will do right and fight wrong and will bring out the best of each American.

My vote is precious, my rights as an American are valuable, my responsibility to my Nation is vast. It is my honor to my Country to not sit on the sidelines, to learn both sides of the political realm, to make informed decisions and informed votes, to volunteer for the good of my community and to be the best citizen I can be. I am an American, and I take pride in our Inauguration. Just as I know each of you have the same pride in your Nation, in your beliefs and in your communities. I pray that that God, or whatever higher power you believe in, will guide our President, guide our Countries, guide us all to the betterment of the human race.

Australia 2012

2009-01-18T19:14:00.001-08:00

Ok Ladies...I talked to the man and I'm thinking about planning a trip to Australia in 2012. I told him that I wanted to be a bit selfish and put aside a night or two to meet up with my fellow bandsisters. Most of you live there, and those that don't can plan to meet up with us...if you're interested. What do you think? Where would be a good town that's accessible to all of you? Do we plan a weekend at a hotel? Do we pick a seashore adventure?

Pipe in and let me know that you think. I think I'm totally up for this and really want to do it.

I WON!!! or is that Lost????

2009-01-17T17:30:00.000-08:00

I won Nola's contest. Ok here's what you do...

We're interviewing each other. You get to ask me a question in the comments and then I do a post and answer all the questions. Then, I put the names in a bowl and pick the next victim..I mean, lucky person that we all get to interview. So lay it on me BABES! Do you want to know if I'm a tree huging daisy sniffer? Do you want to know if I've seen Barack Obama naked? You get to ask...I get to answer.

Make sure to visit Nola's blog too...She is so damned brilliant! You'll be smiling when you stop reading.

New Fill and other things..

2009-01-17T16:36:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I got my first fill in 2 months. Ewwweeeee!!! Boy howdy can I feel this one. The doctor was happy because I still managed to lose weight during the holidays...I was torqued because I didn't get to Onderland...but it's coming. My Gyno put me on progestrin because of my nonstop bleeding for the past 8 or 9 months. So I managed to gain back 4 lbs...the hormones are making me retain water like crazy.

This Thursday I'm having a hysteroscopy done. They'll numb me up and go inside to see what's going on. He said that depending on what they find, they may put scalding water in my uterus to burn off the lining, or if I have polyps they'll remove them, etc. Ohhh too exciting. They suggested someone drive me...something about the blood rushing from my head to my legs, so I asked the man to take the day off. He put in for it, then asked me if the boy could take me due to his work demands. I was not a happy camper. I may just drive myself, but we'll see.

I'm enjoying a nice cup of Creme Brule tea that is too delicious. I can feeling going through the band though. Hope everyone is doing well....I'm off to keep up on your blogs!

Decisions....

2009-01-14T21:15:00.000-08:00

So I received an invitation to a Cookie Lee party (costume jewelry) from an old friend of mine. Let’s call her CC. She’s a great girl, but we’re Good Seasons salad dressing together. Know what I mean? Add Oil and water and shake to mix. When the bottle is shaken, we get along great and have fun. Over time, the oil and water separates and then it’s nasty.

I’ve known her since High School, Junior year. Since then, we’ve worked together and been in each other’s wedding…well almost mine. She’s very narcissistic as in the world revolves around her and no one else’s conversation is worth listening to. I haven’t seen her since the Boy left for the military 2 ½ years ago…although we’ve texted on occasion and maybe a call here and there. She’s so high maintenance and when I wasn’t giving her the proper attention, she had a snitfit. I told her that my boy was leaving for the military and that I was in the midst of planning his Birthday/Goodbye/Graduation party, but that wasn’t good enough. So I figured we needed another break.

I’m not sure I’m ready to resume the friendship just yet. She’s always been competitive about the weight thing, and when things weren’t going her way, resorted to sabotage. I could care less about someone’s weight, but do I want to expose myself to sabotage? Do I want to expose myself the catty remarks?

She was going to be a bridesmaid at my wedding. I chose someone else to be the maid of honor for 2 reasons. This other girl, (lets call her Allie) I’ve known longer (she’s like my sister) and I knew that if I didn’t choose her, it would damage her confidence (she has self confidence issues). Well, CC didn’t like my reasons for choosing Allie, but was kind enough to throw me a Bachelorette party. It was a blast. I ended up spending over $200 of my own money to extend our time with the limo, etc. No biggie.

Well, I had to cancel my wedding 10 days before the date because my sister accused my brother of molesting my nephew. I found out about 13 days before, but spent 3 of those days crying. I knew that I couldn’t exclude members of my family and I couldn’t explain to extended family members why members of my immediate family were not present. So, I managed to suck it up because the most important thing was to marry my man and get my deposits back (I got most). So after calling the venue, etc. I called the wedding party.

Well I had a speech prepared because I did not want to go into details, or I’d cry. So when I called her, I told her that as soon as the man and I confirmed our plans to run up to Tahoe, I would call her and give her the details. She wanted to know why I was cancelling. I told her that I really couldn’t explain it at this time because I’d start crying, and I had a LOT of calls to make, but I’d explain it some other time. I called the Maid-of-Honor and all she asked was what she could do for me. Got a call back from CC and she wanted an explanation and felt she deserved one since she spent a lot of money on my bachelorette party. I told her that I did too, but now was not the time and I appreciate her understanding. Hung up the phone, called another bridesmaid, who asked if there was anything she could do for me (another good friend). Hung up the phone and CC called back a second time (3rd time I talked to her) and just wasn’t satisfied with my answer. I was pissed and let her have it. After I hung up on her I threw the phone at the wall, denting it, and was crying hysterically (not something I do). She called back, but this time, my mild-mannered Fiancée answered and ripped her a new one, telling her that he couldn’t believe that she can’t be supportive of me in my time of need, etc. It was so unusual for my husband that to this day, CC remembers it and mentions to him that she couldn’t believe how mad he was and that she’d NEVER seen him that angry in all the years that she’s known him. After that, we didn’t talk for 5 years.

We had set up an appointment together at the Clinique counter to do makeup before the wedding. I went to keep the appointment that weekend and she had cancelled it. I was heartbroken. I started bawling again and these poor sales ladies didn’t know what hit them. I explained the whole “cancelled the wedding- fight with the bridesmaid” thing and how I was looking forward to this because things had been so depressing. OMG, these ladies took really good care of me. I had the whole makeover done, picture taken and I ended up purchasing a lot of makeup but it was worth it for the customer service alone.

So you can see that we have a history together and that our relationship hasn’t always been healthy. Ya know, I think I answered my own question. I’ll wait till her birthday to see her (in 5 months). By then, things will have settled a bit with the boy and I’ll be more prepared mentally for her.

Evil Sibling Alert.....

2009-01-10T22:48:00.000-08:00

Got an email from the evil one today, which reads...

"I spoke to my grandmother H the other day, and she said she gave you some bonds for S. She asked you to give them to me. I have never heard about them until that day. Do you still have these bonds? They are in S and D name with H as the Owner. Can you please mail them to me? She would like to know that I am saving them for my children.
Thanks, "

When my evil sibling was living in my house, her Grandmother sent some savings bonds to me. She had originally addressed the envelope to my sister, but crossed it out and put my name on it. She knew that my sister was into drugs and not holding on to money, but wanted the savings bonds held for my boy and his sister. I put them in the gun safe, and they are still there. I told the boy I had them and promptly forgot about them. Her Grandmother never asked me to give them to her, and I'm not going to.

I talked to the Man, and we agreed that we'd talk to the Boy about it and he can decide what do so with them. He can hold on to them, or he can give them to her, but until my evil sibling addresses the other issues and the rude emails, she's not getting shit from me...not a phone call...not an email...and certainly not savings bonds.

The funny thing is...she has no idea that her Grandmother gave $5,000 to each of her grandchildren...except her. Gee, I wonder why? No, I'm not related to her Grandmother, but my cousin is (she's a cousin by marriage, so technically she's no longer my cousin...she's only my sister's natural cousin. However, she's the cousin of my heart and we didn't give each other up). Wonder what she'd say about that. Yea...yea...This is the EVIL, MEAN, BITCHY DIZ talking and entertaining the idea of blowing her bubble...but the nice Diz won't let me. However, that's not to say that the nice Diz doesn't mind having certain knowledge over her evil sibling.

Ah well. I'll have to ring the Boy tomorrow and address this situation before the evil succubus (that was coughed up from the depths of hell like the green phlegm that she is) gets to him and burdens him with something he doesn't need to deal with. No worries. I won't be bad mouthing her...letting him know that it's something he can address when he gets back. As far as I'm concerned when it comes to money and his sister, I trust him more than her mother.

Thanks...

2009-01-09T21:54:00.000-08:00

For the kind words Bridget and Nola. Things are not as bad as they sound. I am in a much better place than I was a year ago. I can say the Serenity Prayer and know in my heart that there is only so much I can do, and be fine with it. I just had to learn to give up my power. You know...the one I deluded myself into believing I had. The boy will be fine too. In my heart, I knew he'd be troubled with some addiction...it's in our family, and as much as I hoped he'd be spared, I figured he wouldn't. Plus, the boy has to learn not to take on so much responsibility. I believe that is the root of his problem. He takes on so much, then becomes overwhelmed and doesn't know how to handle it.

Good news...he called and said he got a call back from a flight school he applied to close to our home. There's a good chance he may get in, so that's a positive step for him. We will work it all out.

I talked to Nola about a trip to Fiji I took in 2003. We stayed at the WorldMark resort in Denarau, Nadi. I believe it's right next door to the Sheridan. We spent 3 glorious weeks scuba diving, snorkeling, and touring the different islands. We had a fabulous time and the Fijians are generous people. We went at a time when there was some serious civil unrest. I thought it might make things bad, but they made sure to fight amongst themselves and not the tourists. I guess there's some serious bad blood between the native Fijians and the Indian Fijians.

It's the trip of a lifetime, so if you can go...GO! Here's a few pics of our trip.

Me and my Friend Kel...Do you recognize her from the Tahoe Picture?

We visited a Fijian village and saw a woman scaling fish. I asked if I could take her picture. I just loved the little kitty watching her and trying for a morsel.

The Boy looking spiffy!

The Man, Boy and our friends Rog and Kel touring Raymond Burr's Orchid plantation...a MUST SEE for exquisite floral beauty.

The Man bonding with one of the Fijian singers, poolside at the resort.

The Island they filmed Tom Hanks "Castaway" movie on.

We took a boat tour to one of the 300 Islands that make up Fiji and visited a village there. This little boy was peaking over the table at us and he was too cute to pass up.

One of the birds at the sanctuary we visited. Too cool.

The Boy

2009-01-08T17:53:00.000-08:00

So I promised to write about the boy’s issues. He’s had anger management issues since jump, but his latest addiction is self-gratification of a questionable nature. His wife is having problems dealing with both issues and has moved back to her parent’s house. The boy had to go to Texas to clean their apartment and finish off his military duties alone. He’ll be back home the week of the 19th.

So because of these issues, his wife says she wants a divorce. This is a lot for a 20 year old to deal with when he is by himself in Texas. He’s been having doubts about himself, talking of suicide and of injuring himself. Fortunately, we’ve been able to talk him down, and he’s finally gotten a sponsor who will talk to him.

When he gets home it will be difficult because I’ve had to “Parental Control” my computer so he doesn’t visit “certain” sites. I also have to put a serious lock on our bedroom door. In his confession to me, he used my beloved 24-in iMac to visit the sites, and riffled through the drawers in our room looking for questionable material. Well, we have a huge 6 ft high and 3ft deep gun safe in one of the bedrooms, bolted to the floor. We store our guns, jewelry and important papers in the safe. It’s a 4 sequence combination lock with a key. We keep the combination in one of our drawers, although the key is always with us. This is something we don’t want the boy accessing in his state of mind. So now, when we leave for work, we’ll need to make sure our bedroom door is closed and locked. Very frustrating.

He’ll be in contact with the VA Hospital, here in town, and working on his program steps. It’s just hard knowing that we’ll have to walk a fine line of guidance, love and rules. He can’t sit around all day and will need a job. Ah well…one thing at a time, right?

P.S. Nola has a cool idea...check out her blog tonight and ask your question.

Oprah's Questions....

2009-01-07T20:31:00.000-08:00

If you read Gwen's site, she talked about the Oprah episode on Monday. I watched that show and Oprah said that she found it hard to believe that she was still in the same boat, talking about her weight.again.that she thought she'd conquered the whole weight thing. I found that to be a funny statement, because I've learned from Oprah's example through the years that maintaining a healthy diet is a life-long effort. Sometimes you're going to slip up, but the work will be there forever. This what she's taught us, but she herself didn't get it.

Below are my answers to the Oprah questions.

What am I hungry for?

Unconditional love from my family. There's always conditions.it's usually money related when it comes to my siblings and my mother (don't have a Dad). They don't call me to tell me they love me, unless they want something from me. Can you do this.can you drive me there..Can I borrow $$$? With my Mother-in-law, it usually has to do with needing help and my weight. She's a good woman, but she can dish out snide comments.

Why am I overweight?

Because I didn't place myself as a priority. My whole life, since pre-teen years has been spent taking care of my siblings or my mother. I learned bad diet habits from my mother and didn't address the issues that caused them. I chose to soothe my feelings with food.

Why have I been unable to sustain weight loss in the past?

I had the perpetual burning hunger, which thankfully, the band has taken care of for me, but that was only a small part of it. Let's be honest.I was APATHETIC! I could be the happiest fat person in the world if it didn't come with the co-morbidities. I was so busy with everything and everyone else that I didn't feel that I was a priority. Just when I was preparing to walk out on my marriage due to my husband's extreme alcoholism (2 gallons of Vodka a week that also killed our chances for conceiving children), I get custody of my nephew, now my son. He was so effed up from moving place to place, never having a home, never having 2 parents, all the different men in my sister's life, etc. that I would've sold my soul to the devil to make sure he was safe and happy. Instead, I sold myself, stayed in the marriage and hid my husband's addiction from the kid. Those of you who've done it, know what a herculean task it is. And I did it quite successfully. The Boy had no clue until his Junior year of high school, and he moved in at the end of the 5th grade. It was easy to lose sight of me. To be honest, I'm not sure I ever really had myself in my sights.

What in my life is not working?

Believe it or not.most things in my life are working right now. The husband has been controlling his drinking for about 4 years, I finally moved my mother out of my house, I just got promoted and I'm learning what I can control and what I can't control.and letting go. Do I have unconditional love from my family? No, but I do have it from my husband and the Boy loves me, although he hasn't learned what unconditional love is yet. My relationship with my mother and siblings may never work, and I can't control that. The Boy's life isn't working right now and he's moving back into the house but I just have to keep that into prospective.

Why do I need to lose weight?

Because the weight was killing me. High blood pressure, sleep apnea, sore joints, huffing up stairs, snoring, constantly buying bigger clothes, insatiable hunger. Need I say more? My New Year's Resolution for 2008 was to make that year about ME! And that's what I did. This year, I did not make any resolutions about my weight. Instead, my resolutions are to take time out for myself, and continue my journey of getting healthy spiritually and mentally. The physical part is still working, thanks to the Band, but more...thanks to you. You guys keep my spirits up and make me realize that I'm not the only one out there running into difficulties. You answer my questions, and you helped me to realize that I can succeed. This time, it will work because I want it for me.

Tahoe...

2009-01-06T22:00:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!

We headed off to Tahoe to ring in the new year. It isn't too far from where we live, an hour and a half drive. I made sure to work out almost every morning. While in the workout room, I decided to get on the scale...it was one of those scales where you have to balance the weight. Well, it said that I was 207, which put me at the 60lb mark. I couldn't believe it. Only 8 lbs to Onederland! Not only that, but I told my Dr. that since I was skipping a fill in December, that I would try harder and see if I couldn't get under that 200 lb mark. I was 217 when I said it, so I might get pretty close...my fill is on the 16th. So I thought I should take a picture to mark the occasion...WOOHOO.

I did try to get online at the resort to blog, but they had the computer password protected to stop the teenagers from messing with it, and no one had the password. I was bummed. But I did take some killer pictures of Lake Tahoe, the jewel of the Sierras.

My buddy Kel came up and celebrated her birthday on the 3rd. So I had the "Man" mark the occasion with a picture. She's the strawberry blonde one....

We had a fantastic time, but came home to family issues with the boy and his wife. One of our poor Calico Kitties was locked in the garage with no food and water for 4 days. Diz was not a happy camper about that. The Boy had locked the kitty in before he left on the first of January to head back to Texas. He also left food out from an expensive restaurant that he took his wife to for New Years. What a freaking waste. I KNOW it was at least $75 worth, just wasted. Ah well.

I'm starting to get sick, so I'm heading to bed. But I'll update ya'll on the boy's stuff when I blog tomorrow. I'll also try and catch up with all your blogs too. I missed you guys!

Continuing...

2008-12-29T10:21:00.001-08:00

Once we got back, it’s been all rollercoaster, i.e. trying to get out the Christmas Newsletter, figuring what we’re doing for the holidays, presents, etc. The Boy told me at the last minute that he’s coming home for Christmas. I’m totally stoked about that, but of course, along with that comes the other “stuff”, i.e.

1. Don’t tell Dad…I want it to be a surprise
2. Don’t put up the Christmas tree, I want to do that as a family (first time for everything),
3. The military is shipping out my belongings…I’ll put it into storage when I get there (and what do I do with it while it’s here)
4. I’m bringing my cat and ferret, but I’ll have them out of the house within 9 days (where have I heard that one before)
5. By the way…I’m not going to Africa, so the wife and I will be hanging around till the VA Hospital says I can move
6. My mother (the evil Anti-Christ Sibling) says my niece can’t come up for Christmas unless the other kids get too (ahh…what’s Christmas without a little sibling blackmail). To which I reply, “No, as much as I love my Beanie and miss her horribly, I will no longer submit to your Mom’s blackmail. I hope you can understand.” Huge step for me…looks like I’m on the road to recovery.
7. Soothing his upset feelings when he has yet another battle with his Mom about his sister.

In my quest to honor the boy's request, the man and I get into a fight over the Christmas tree. He notices I haven't put it up, and it's always a big deal for me. So he says he's going to buy a fresh tree for $20 bucks (he saw a deal). I say no, we have a tree. He asks if I'm going to put it up. I say I haven't decided, so he says he's buying the tree. Needless to say, it gets all blown out of proportion and ends with my fake tears and me saying that without the kids (i.e. the boy and his sister) I'm finding it hard to find my Christmas spirit and to please give me a little time and forgive me for snapping at him. He says he understands and that he's sorry...I say...No, I'm sorry...blah blah blah...so begins my decent to hell for lying.

I also convince the man that we still need the 7 bone Prime Rib for dinner. He says that we only have 5 adults coming for dinner. I said that it would be nice to send people home with some great food, and I love the beef stroganoff that he makes with the left-overs. That did the trick and here's the proof.

So the 23rd comes and it's 10:30 at night. The man and I are talking in the kitchen and he's getting all animated. Suddenly the doorbell rings and I about jump out of my skin. He looks at me...I look at him and say..."Who the hell is ringing our doorbell at 10:30?" "You go check". So he walks in front of me and I grab the camera.

Christmas comes off great. I manage to surprise my Mom with the boy being here. I got to do some caroling on Christmas Eve, and I managed to surprise Norman's parents with the boy. All of them were extremely happy. And then came my present. The boy picked up my niece, his sister, and brought her home on Saturday. My Christmas was made!

We spent all day yesterday having fun. I bought her 2 pairs of shoes and one pair of boots (Hannah Montana, of course). And we bought her some toys for Christmas. When the boy saw her bag of stuff, he said "My mother is not going to be happy about this". To which I replied, it's not my problem. She's the one that called the shots in her email. If she wants to change things, she's going to have to talk about it with me, which she still has not done. He said that he knew, and I said that I'm sorry that he's in the middle, but it's Christmas, and she can't expect me not to provide my niece with presents. Oh well. My niece asked me why I wasn't driving her home today, and I told her that it was complicated and that while I love to spend every last second I can with her, that her brother was going to drive her home. Then I hid in the bathroom and cried..then sucked it up and came out with a smile. We got her ready, and away she went.. I hope I get to see her soon.

So I had a great Christmas. I hope all of you did too and am looking forward to reading your posts and catching up.

Merry Christmas my fellow Bandsters!

2008-12-23T18:36:00.000-08:00

Wow! It’s been awhile since I blogged. Please forgive me for that. Things have been so busy. We took a two week trip to Los Cabos, Mexico from November 22nd to December 6th. We picked up the husbands parents at 5:30 a.m. (not easy on his Dad, age 74 and his Mom, age 87…yes, 87) and got to the airport around 6. Our flight was supposed to leave at 8:15, but didn’t actually leave until 12:30 p.m. due to fog. By the time we got to the resort, it was 5:30 p.m. and our first round of relatives was there to greet us. It was my husband’s cousin’s ex-wife “D” and her son “N” (he calls us Aunt and Uncle) from Clarksville, TN.

We could only get the two bedroom for the first week, so we gave “D” the first choice since we knew they don’t travel and this was their first foray outside the country. Mom and Dad took the master suite and we took the Murphy bed. It was the WORST bed I have ever slept on in my life! Every morning I woke up extremely stiff. There was only one upside to this torture….it forced me to work out first thing every morning, just to stretch out my muscles. We toured old town San Jose Del Cabo and had lunch in Cabo San Lucas, drank lots of Margaritas and had a great time. The man put my wedding ring back on my hand (it had been off for over 5 years because it no longer represented what it was supposed to, so I refused to wear it, until it did) on our 15 year wedding anniversary, which just happened to fall on Thanksgiving. He did good! He replaced the original middle stone with a 1 carat diamond and saved my point 4 diamond for another piece of jewelry.

The second week we moved to the 3-bedroom and the Man and I got the master suite. We said goodbye to “D” and “N” and said hello to “F” and “S”, Norman’s cousin from Portland, OR and her husband. She is the true Aunt to “N” and ex-sister in law to “D” from the prior week. It was so great to see them. The really cool thing was “S” refused to let my Mother-in-law hibernate in the room and forced her to walk around the resort. He even, with the help of my husband, got her feet in the ocean, which she never managed to do when she was there in 2000. I keep telling my husband that he babies his mother too much and she should be out and about, but…..

We did a dance evening in Cabo San Lucas and had a great time at Cabo Wabo. I couldn’t figure out why all these guys kept patting my husband on the back on their way to the dance floor. When they came back, they all wanted to talk to him and stuff. Finally I got irritated and asked this one guy if he was making a play for my man, not that I have a problem with it, but he’s taken, so he’d have to fight me for him (and I pity the fool that would take me on). He said, No, it just that it was so cool that someone as famous as him would want to hang out with everyday people at the club (Does that make me an everyday wife?). I said “Oh, well, he’s that kind of guy” and didn’t correct him. Why would I blow a perfect story for him when he got home from vacation and talked about meeting ..well…whomever he thought my husband was. I’m thinking rock star because of my husband’s hair. Ah well. Fame is fleeting. I managed not to gain any weight from the trip, which was a miracle, and I ate what I wanted...just not as much as I wanted.

And this is what we came back to....

To Be Continued....

Hate Being Right

2008-11-15T11:18:00.000-08:00

I had a wonderful call from the Boy today. We talked about his plans for the future, his wife, how things are going. We probably talked for close to an hour. Then he asked me..."Don't hate me for asking, but how are things between you and my Mom" (this would be my evil sibling sister). I said that things don't change between me and her, but that I did get to speak to my niece (his sister) for the first time since her birthday, and that his Mother made the offer of having my niece come spend Thanksgiving with us. He was quiet..then said "That's fucked up...offering something like that knowing you'd have to say No because you'd be in Mexico". I replied that I suspected she knew. He said that they spoke over a month ago and she asked what we were doing for Thanksgiving, and he told her that we'd be in Mexico. I told him that I wished that his sister had a passport, because I would've taken her with us. We agreed that we'd work on that. So this just shows that I know my evil sibling...she's a user and only tries to make herself look good. I KNOW she had no idea that the boy would talk to me about this. But I feel really good about the conversation. I did not offer anything about his mom or comment on our relationship...he had to ask for it.

I also told him that not all sibling relationships are like mine and his mom's and that he should not take it personal or think that his will end up the same. I also told him that we both love him very much and that's all that's really important. I'm giving his mom the space that she asked for and that someday, things may work itself out. I love that kid! His journey to discovering things has begun, and it won't be easy. But as long as he knows we love him, he'll be ok.

I'm feeling better about the whole thing and the vacation is a welcomed respite.

Hey Bandsters...one more thing. Shrinking Dolly is going thru some really difficult times right now. Some of you know about it, but others might not. She lost her sister, sister's partner and nephew in a plane accident and is really hurting. Any words of comfort you can offer her, I know she'd appreciate. There are no words really, but just the fact that you visited her blog and left a little something will help her and lift her up. Plus, when times are at our darkest, we always re-read the words, cards and letters that people give us to bring us out of our depths of despair. Our Bandsister needs us...more than ever!

You guys ROCK!

Hero...

2008-11-13T21:16:00.000-08:00

"And then a Hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive

When you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
Then you'll finally see the truth
That the hero lies in you"

It's a Mariah Carey song, but I've always loved it. It's true, when you least expect it, you somehow dig down and accidently find it. Cat doesn't see the hero in herself, but you all have seen the hero...met the hero, and at some point in this Bandster Battle, her Hero within her came out and saved you...saved me. She has a way about her...her words resonate and hit the right spot. She's humorous and witty and one hell of a writer.

It's funny but there's something wonderful and unique about each of you, my BandSisters. You each old a special kind of magic, and when you blend it all together, you get one lucky assed bitch (me) with the knowledge of the world at her fingertips. We each have our own unique battle going on, but when we share, we all get something out of it. We live through each others journey...Saying goodbye to Lane Bryant; Riding the rollercoaster of a son's illness; getting engaged and traveling through Europe; Celebrating a daughter's birthday and spending time at the coast; taking in clothes and enjoying concerts in the rain; trying on an old bridesmaid dress and realizing you're much to thin for it; taking finals and losing Grandparents at the same time; traveling to visit family and having your daughter get sick; getting pregnant and losing a job; vacationing and enjoying the sand travel up through your toes...I know I'm missing some of you, but these are the wonderful tidbits that go with me and bolster me.

Cat...you've been there for us...cheering us on, making us laugh, sharing your beautiful daughter and Abby's smile with us. Writing about your health and difficulties so we can learn. The Hero is there Cat, whether you see her, or not. So no worries, no guilt. We love ya just the way you are. We're riding this difficult wave with you..and if all else fails...there's always that damned motto that our Grandma taught us..."And this too shall pass". I always wanted to shove that phrase somewhere where the sun doesn't shine, but it still comes out to taunt me.

If you Ladies haven't seen it yet...Misfit has been updated. Go see her on Cat's Blog.

Take the Bitter with the Sweet

2008-11-09T10:59:00.000-08:00

Well, when I got my fill last Tuesday I weighed 221. Today I weigh 217. I may have found my sweet spot. Now, I've finally hit the 50 lbs mark...but mind you, 47 of those pounds were lost before the band..then I managed to gain back 8 lbs, and had to lose those too. Damn what journey. I'm happy though. I know I made the right decision.

My Niece called me today. I haven't heard from her since her birthday in September. It was so wonderful to bath in the sweet, innocent sound of her voice. Can you tell I miss her? Then her mother gets on the phone acting like we're old buddies and says that the other kids are spending Thanksgiving week with their mother...would I like to have my niece for that week. Would I? I don't have the words, but I do have the tears. Unfortunately I'm spending two weeks in Mexico for a family reunion (husbands side) and there's no way I can cancel, and no way I can manage to take her with us. So this taints my vacation. But, I have the feeling my sibling knew this...I'm sure the boy told her. This is her way of looking like she's making an attempt. This is her way of finding something to hold over me. I despise her.

You would've thought she'd use this opportunity to ask question about the cat......yea, like she really cared.

Hope ya'll are doing well. I have Monday and Tuesday off, so I'll be catching up on the blogs.

Update

2008-10-27T14:19:00.000-07:00

Lots going on in Diz's house. I held off not contacting the boy, and he ended up calling me to talk for two hours. Basically he was telling me about his mother's transgressions in leaving her children...including my beloved Beanie, with her alcoholic father for 4 days so she could vacation in Montana. You don't leave a recovering alcoholic with 4 children...3 of which are not familiar to him. Based upon what the boy said, he spent most of the 4 days drunk, including driving with the kids in the car to pick up the loser sister and boyfriend. This is where I start repeating the Serenity prayer, over and over.

But at least the Boy is reaching out...to me. I didn't push it, just listened and told him that when he tells me these things, I have hard time keeping my mouth shut because of the injustice of it all. He said that he understood and blamed Beanie's father for being drunk. I told him that once again, he's placing the blame in the wrong place because his Mother had options. I volunteered to watch the children, before the "Dead Cat" episode, but for her, Hell would have to freeze over first, or in this case, she'd choose an alcoholic first... I told him that we all know Beanie's father is a raging alcoholic and it isn't news, so why choose that person? It gave him something to think about and he said that he didn't know I had volunteered, but...and I quote "my mother is always trying to make herself look good". So all is not lost. I have to be patient. I have to let him grow and understand in his own way and give him the space to do it. After we talked he said "Auntie...I really love you, I just want you to know that". I love him too...more than he'll ever know. More than life itself.

Weight wise...I SUCK! I've become quite familiar with the term PB'ing. Always when I least expect it, but fortunately, not at totally embarassing times. I also put my back out, it hurt to breathe, so exercise was out for a little while. Back on track, but I know my doc next week won't be happy about no weight loss. However, I do see the err of my ways. I have to really work at not drinking beverages with my meals. It's a lifelong habit that I'm trying to break for my band, and it's screwing up my weightloss. So....work Diz... Work Hard!

Palin Rap

2008-10-21T21:28:00.000-07:00

If you watched Saturday Night Live last weekend, you would’ve seen Amy Poehler do the “Palin Rap”. OMG...this is so damned funny. It doesn’t matter if you’re a Democrat or Republican...if Sarah can laugh at this...so can you!

http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/clips/update-palin-rap/773781/

Stuff...

2008-10-11T12:35:00.001-07:00

Well, while wallowing in my self -pity, I neglected to mention that I got another fill on Friday, October 3rd. With this fill, there's a definite difference. I can feel water passing through it. It doesn't get stuck or anything, I can just feel it. Eating is a whole different experience. I chew until mush, and swallow it down. But it doesn't take long till I feel it just resting there. It doesn't come up, but at those few times when it feels like it might, I breathe deeply and concentrate on relaxing. So far, so good.

I have only lost a couple of lbs, but I see my body changing with the weights. My arms are not as jiggly as before and my belly is starting to tighten up. I'm using my exercising to chase away thoughts that do me no good. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

I catch myself rubbing my Mother's Day medal that my boy gave me...it's inscribed on the back with "To Mom with Love". The man caught me and asked me what I was doing. I said I was wondering if he really meant it when he gave it to me, or are they just words. I certainly didn't ask for it and it was a huge surprise when he sent it to me for Mother's Day in 07, and it's my favorite piece of jewelry. Wanna see it?

The diamond represents balance that Moms bring to the family and is a symbol of strength, purity and admiration. The six hearts represent the six letters in the word "Mother". All hearts point toward the diamond and form a star around it. The many lines that radiate from the center are referred to as the "rays of sacrifice" and symbolize the 365 days per year that mothers make sacrifices both large and small for the benefit of their children. It was designed by a soldier for his Mom.

I just hope he's doing ok. I know he's having problems in his marriage and other things and I'm so worried about him. I hope his therapist is helping. And I haven't texted him, at his request, but I'm left wondering when I should? Should I just give him his space? Should I send him a card to let him know that I'm thinking about him? Does he know that I'll always be there, no matter what? It's uncharted territory for me.

Soul takes a blow....

2008-10-05T23:52:00.000-07:00

Today, my soul took another blow. My Nephew/Son delivered a soul-crunching email to me. There's really no way to describe it than to let you read it.

"Honestly I have great difficulty calling you mom.
I have a mom.
I know that you helped raise me and I appreciate it so much.
But you have always tried to force yourself into a position of my life that was already filled.
Whether she is a good mom or not XXXXX is my mother.
This makes you no less of an important person in my life but I am not going to give you a title I don't feel comfortable with.
It is easy to call XXXXXX dad because I don't have one.

You say I have a problem being independent yet all you have ever done is patronize me.
How do you expect me to be independent when all you did is make choices for me.
You constantly second guess my choices and decisions yet you still call me things like monkey, monk, pookie, pookieface, and boy I am not a little child.
I know I have messed up a great deal of my life but these are mistakes I need to make and learn from myself.
I often resent you for trying to live my life for me.
I know that I have been very passive aggressive towards you and taken it out on you in various ways.
I am going to therapy to fix this I am telling you this so you know and understand.
I am not saying this to be mean this is how I feel and I want you to be able to understand this.
I am not sure how much of this I have told you.
I didn't want to tell you any of this because you judge me so harshly, guilt trip me, and manipulate me into second guessing my own choices.

I love you and hope you can understand."

This is the boy I've raised since he was 9. All the crap I've taken from my sister, I've done for him. Legally, I never had to let him visit her and could've kept them apart until he was 18, but I took great pains to make sure they had a relationship, i.e. letting him visit his Mom two weekends a month. She lived in Oakland, so I paid for the train tickets. When my sister needed a place to live, along with my niece, my husband and I decided that this could be an opportunity for them to know each other better and allowed her to live with us...which unfortunately bit us in the ass. They lived with us for about 2 years, which is why I have a strong relationship with my niece. However, she moved out with a man she hardly knew and during her tenure at our home, never lifted a finger to do anything.

When my boy turned 18, he decided that he wanted us to adopt him. We questioned him over and over to make sure that this was what he really wanted, and we did. He has a lot of issues, and unfortunately my sister has a strange hold on him, which is my fault for allowing their relationship to grow. I thought I was doing the right thing. I don't blame him and his email smacks of my sisters work, including the wording. But oh, how my heart aches. I know, one day he'll understand. One day, he'll see his mother for what she really is.

I'm so tired because I've walked this tightrope for years, trying not to lose my balance. Trying not to overstep my bounds as an Auntie, and still be a parent. I've tried hard to get my sister to grow up and earn back custody, but to no avail. As much as I loved being his parent, I knew that if possible, he should be with his mother. I leaned on food for comfort, which is why I am where I am today. That is my fault and I'm learning to deal with my issues head on, and getting better every day.

I asked my husband if he thought my boy was right, but he assured me that he wasn't and still had some growing to do. But I hurt. And because of this new email, I now know that I have to step back from my niece and be an absentee Auntie, to give him room. Losing them both in the space of what...6 weeks? is like the mortal wounding of my heart. But I have to believe that I'll get it back again. I have to believe that they still love me.

Anyway, I'm just leaching poison from my soul. As my friend Kel says "And this too shall pass".

Sofi Asks a Question....

2008-09-29T19:14:00.000-07:00

So Sofi asks me “How are you doing on your weightloss?” Easy question…difficult answer. Personally, I think the weightloss part is doing crappy. I went down 3 lbs and promptly gained them all back. However, when I look at what I’m doing lately, I’m pretty happy with the day-to-day part of things.

I’m exercising and I’ve incorporated the weights back into the routine. Before, I just needed the weightloss so I could make the “weight” amount for approval for surgery. I cut the weights out of the routine because I was struggling with the muscle portion and not losing the fat or lbs quick enough. Once I dumped the weights, the lbs dropped dramatically.

Now that I’ve had the surgery, I want a more rounded routine that incorporates a little bit of everything. I need the cardio, which I have, but now want more stretching and weights to give me definition and strength. So, I brought the weight machine back in. I’m feeling stronger in my arms and I can feel and see the muscle difference, but the effing scale wants to dick with me. It no longer wants to drop the lbs that I want it too, so I have to surf this particular wave out.

I know that I only have to give it a little time, and soon it will drop dramatically and I can do the happy, naked dance around the dreaded digital beotch that holds sway over my success. I don’t know about you guys, but I weigh “naggipotsy” (i.e. sans clothes) because every once counts. Not that I would weigh that way at the doctor's office or anything.

Ah well, one step at a time right? Congrats to the MacMadame on her surgery; Cat on her birthday and myf on her engagement. Lots of cool stuff happening with the BandSister's these days!!

Survey Time

2008-09-26T21:17:00.000-07:00

My friend Sofi (blog link to the left) sent me a survey. Thought it would be fun to give you a little insight on my warped personality.

Subject: Survey time!!!!

> 1. What time did you get up this morning? 3:02 a.m.
> 2. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds...I don't mean rhinestones....
> 3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? The Women
> 4. What is your favorite TV show? Anthony Bourdain...No Reservations
> 5. What do you usually have for breakfast? Protein Shake
> 6. What is your middle name? Marie
> 7. What food do you dislike? Liver
> 8. What is your favorite CD at the moment? Gavin Rossdale - Wanderlust (only because the question quantified..."Moment")
> 9. What kind of car do you drive? 2004 Dodge Durango
> 10. What is your favorite sandwich? Togo's #9 with Avocado and cheese...all the produce, or Chicken Salad Sandwiches from the Tea Place
> 11. What characteristic do you despise? Backstabbing...for God sake..plunge the knife in from the front please.
> 12. Favorite item of clothing? Van Halen Shirt
> 13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? I'd like to dive Ko Samui
> 14. Are you an organized person? With work projects....yes.
> 15. Where would you retire to? Lake Tahoe
> 16. What was your most recent memorable birthday? The last one
> 17. What are you going to do when you finish this? Stair machine and weights
> 18. Furthest place you are sending this? Not sure
> 19. Person you expect to send it back first? I don't expect a response
> 20. When is your birthday? Sept. 4th
> 21. Morning person or a night person? Morning when I work, Night on the weekends.
> 22. What is your shoe size? 8 1/2 - 9 1/2
> 23. Pets? JazzyKat and Spunker...calicos
> 24. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? Naw...too tired.
> 25. What did you want to be when you were little? a jet pilot
> 26. How are you today? "Livin' the dream"
> 27. What is your favorite flower? Sterling Silver Roses
> 28. What are you listening to right now? The click of my fingers on the keyboard
> 29. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to? November 22nd.
> 30. What was the last thing you ate? a cracker with garlic hummus.
> 31. Do you wish on stars? Yes...my niece and nephews need all the luck they can get.
> 32. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Burnt Sienna
> 33. How is the weather right now? 70s
> 34. Last person you spoke to on the phone? A work vendor
> 35. Favorite soft drink? diet 7 up
> 36. Favorite restaurant? Mikuni's
> 37. Hair color? brown, caramel, etc...Only the colorist knows for sure
> 38. What was your favorite toy as a child? My heavy metal blue tonka dump truck
> 39. Summer or Winter? both
> 40. Chocolate or Vanilla? vanilla
> 41. Coffee or tea? both
> 42. Do you want your friends to email you back? only if they have the time.
> 43. When was the last time you cried? September 18th.
> 44. What is under your bed? Rifle storage boxes
> 45. What did you do last night? exercised, ate, went to bed
> 46. What are you afraid of? burning to death
> 47. Salty or sweet? salty with the sweet
> 48. How many keys on your key ring? 7
> 49. How many years at your current job? 15
> 50. Favorite day of the week? Wednesday..hump day.
> 51. Do you make friends easily? Acquaintances...yes, true friends...no.
> 52. How many people will you send this too? ?
> 53. How many will respond? ?

Whine Country

2008-09-22T18:59:00.000-07:00

So I got together with 3 ladies that I've grown up with...one since Junior High...for a weekend in Wine Country, i.e. Angels Camp in Calaveras County. I arrived Friday afternoon and picked up something to snack on since two of the ladies wouldn't be there till late and we had reservations for a late dinner. Well, I PB'd big time, even though I chewed and chewed. Thank God the sink was right there. Ah well.

I love these ladies a lot, but I have not told them about my band. These ladies are obsessed with dieting and the way they look. For a 48 hour visit, they all brought many changes of clothes and couldn't decide what to wear. I only brought 2 changes (one for each day) plus a bathing suit and exercise clothes. We spent two hours for one person to get ready so we could tour the wineries. Their main topic of conversation is trying to lose weight, dieting, etc. I said that the rules of the weekend is that we not talk about dieting and just enjoy the weekend. Did not happen. I was selective about what I ate and the amounts and they asked if I was dieting. I said "No, I'm working on my way of life".

I tell ya, I love these ladies, but I realize that I can not break this cycle of diet obsessing that they do. I can either ignore it, or avoid it. One of the ladies has a little weight on her and she kept apologizing for it and saying that she'll be working on it as soon as she gets her life on track. I asked her why she kept apologizing and that I didn't care what her weight was, I love her just the way she is. But she kept at it. My one buddy has a perfect body but scrutinized every detail and the other one has lost a lot of weight and is obsessing that her stomach isn't tight enough. She looks fab!

On the bright side, I got buzzed from all the great wines and picked up some choice Ports and a couple of reds and one white. YUM! We had some good food and good company and it always rejuvenates my soul to hang with women for a couple of days. The weather was PERFECT! There was a light breeze and the air had that sweet oaky smell. Fall is definitely coming and I'm looking forward to it.

Also discovered a dark chocolate with pistachio's and chili pepper. YEOWZA it is smokin. Take a little bite with a red port and it's heaven. However, I was good and know that moderation is the key, so just a little taste of both and I was happy. I may piss and moan about my ladies, but I do love them. Their sense of humor is as warped as mine and when kindred spirits come together, look out. We were standing up at the tasting bar and this little 90 year old man was standing next to me and kept eyeing the pretzels. I passed them on over and my friends asked me if I was picking up on the guy...then the man's Son said "Yea, are you trying to pick up on my Dad?" I laughed and said "Hell yes, I am..do you have a problem with that?" Dad pipes up and says "I don't". Oh such fun!

Yea..Yea..Sell Me Another One Sista!!!!

2008-09-18T19:08:00.000-07:00

I know I haven’t written in awhile. Kinda been up and down when it comes to my spirits, due to the sister from hell. I’m better now, and better than that…I’m finally back on the exercise routine and it’s paying off. I’ve managed to drop 4 pounds now that I’ve been exercising regularly and I finally got that feeling back.

You know the feeling that I’m talking about. The one when you don’t exercise, you miss it. The feeling that puts the spring back in your step and puts that glow on your skin. The feeling that everyone notices, but can never put their finger on. Yea….that one.

I have goals that I want to meet and the only way to do them is to regularly exercise. Don’t get me wrong Ladies. Exercise is against my religion. Which means I’ve had to switch religions…. Exercise is the bane of my existence. Yes, if I was a vampire, exercise would be the garlic; If I was Steven Tyler of Aerosmith, exercise would be the never-ending groupies outside my door. I think you get my point.

The funny thing is growing up, I was always athletic. I played powder-puff football (would’ve done regular football, but that wasn’t really done in 81), baseball, even joined the company softball team and had a reputation for being a slugger. However, I managed to avoid routine exercising, like running, weights, etc. Once the sports went out the window, so did the exercising. In various phases of my life I’ve joined a health club and did stationary bike and aerobics. However, when I moved to the mountain community in 91, the health club went out the window because I now had to spend the time commuting. I’m the queen of excuses.

Now we have a weight system in the garage, and I bought a StairMaster Stair machine that has a battery pack inside, so when electricity goes out I have no excuse for not using it. It took me awhile to pay off that machine, but it is totally worth it. Plus, I don’t have to worry about the parts not being available. I’ve had the StairMaster for about 3 years now, and it’s a love/hate relationship. I like what it does for my butt though. My ass is hard! Big, but hard!

So anyway, it’s nice to finally get back on the yellow brick road. Now if I could just manage to be more consistent with my blogging…..

P.S. Thanks for thinking of me Ladies. I adore you!

Apology to Shannon

2008-09-06T18:47:00.000-07:00

Hey Girl...I was re-reading your comment and I totally mis-read it. I thought you were 150 total weight. When I read your comment again, I think you meant that you were 150 overweight. I'm sorry...I was thinking that you were interested in losing 20 to 30 lbs, which is what I based my comments on. Please forgive me. If you are 100+ lbs overweight, I think looking at the banding option is better than looking at cutting and stapling. I feel like I made the right choice and once made, had some great support here. Please forgive me for mis-reading your comment. You can blog-bitch me up one side and down the other. I can eat crow. Don't like the taste...but I can suck it up!

What a Difference a Fill makes....

2008-09-04T19:58:00.000-07:00

I can feel it!!! I'll be eating something and suddenly....the food stops. I have this feeling in the middle of my chest that says..."Listen Diz, you put more in here, and I'm gonna make you my bitch". And Diz says...No No No...! Wow. I never thought it could be like this. I have to be careful to not stretch out the little pouch I have.

Thank you guys for your input. I knew what to expect and how it would feel from your experiences. Too cool!

To Shannon...PB stands for Productive Burp. What happens is if you have big chunks of food that you didn't chew finely and can't fit through the band, or you eat too fast, or drink to fast, the food has no where to go....but back up. It's not like barfing where your stomach heaves, its like burping...but instead of air, it's food that comes up.

I'm not sure how tall you are, but for 150 lbs, I wouldn't go thru the gastric banding process (personal assessment). I was more than 100 lbs overweight, have bad high blood pressure, sleep apnea and since heart disease runs in my family, was afraid that I wouldn't survive to retirement. I've been on this roller-coaster ride since I was very young, i.e. 11 because my mother has bad habits and taught me her perpetual dieting style (and I was not overweight at that age) and today I am 44 years of age. I needed a way to get off the ride that was killing me.

If you decide to become a bandster, I will support you, as all the bandsters on the left side of this page have supported me. I will not judge your decision, because it is an extremely personal one. But for me, the classes I took to change my behavior, the exercising, the laproscopic process, the pain (bearable) and recovery...Not sure that I would have done it for 150 lbs. That being said...each person is different and knows their own issues, their own demons and will decide for themselves how to battle them. Check out the links on the left side and read the other ladies journeys. You will know if it is the right decision for you. Ask them in-depth questions, including embarrassing ones. Ask them their insights and make your choice. I know they will be there for you as they have been there for me.

Second Fill

2008-09-03T20:32:00.000-07:00

So yesterday, I got my second fill. First they do the obligatory blood pressure check. I, of course, have high blood pressure. So they put the cuff on the right arm and it squeezed, and squeezed and I thought my arm was coming off, then tapered off and pumped up again, only to have an error code on it. Frustrating!

Let’s switch to the left arm….squeeze…squeeze…squeeze…..squeeze…finally I said “Jesus Christ (sorry Lord), are you guys going to take my arm off?” Then error code. I had them take it off and said that this is giving me high blood pressure on its own. Then they put it on my left forearm and didn’t get a decent reading. Finally, they gave up. I told them that in the future, I will bring my own cuff in and take it, and they can get a reading from that. They said “You have your own cuff?” I replied that absolutely, I have my own cuff, since it’s important for me to keep track of it (having had a 240/140 reading, which is stroke level…and didn’t know it). My cuff is a wrist cuff which I like so much better.

Then I get into the room and a nurse comes in and asks if she can watch…no problem. Then the doc comes in and I explained that I had no restriction and asked that he double the amount, so he quizzes me to make sure…can you eat this..can you eat that…what did you have for dinner last night. Ok, he agrees. Then 3 more ladies knock and ask if they can watch…sure, yea, but next time I’m selling tickets and making back my gas money, damn it .

The doc feels my belly and finds the port “Ok, each of you come over here and feel the port”..everyone cops a feel. Then he explains how he numbs the area , which he does, then fiddles with the injection needle, and the fluid and explains what he’s about to do. Then he has a field day finding the port, showing them the blue liquid, filling me up and having me drink water. I really wanted to PB on him…just for fun, but he’s cute and nice, so he gets a pass.

I do feel it. It’s not too bad. Water is going down slower and I’m feeling the food stop. I could probably be restricted just a bit more, but I think this will be workable for this month. I’ll keep ya’ll updated.

Getting Ready...

2008-09-01T17:39:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow is 2nd fill day. I'm excited. I emailed my Dr. and asked that he be more aggressive with the fill, i.e. 2 cc's instead of 1. So hopefully, he'll comply.

Now that I know what to expect, I'm not too nervous about it. Just excited. It'll be a long drive to SF, but I'm heading out after my meeting in the morning. The appointment is at 2 p.m. but with a little luck, maybe they'll take me earlier so I don't have to come home in traffic. I'd miss the Bay bridge traffic, but totally get caught in Sac traffic. YUCK!

Seems that my bandsisters are doing well. Finally caught up with all the blogs. You Ladies are damned inspiring. Not just bandster wise, but life inspiring also. The things you ladies have put up with, lived through, endured, and still are able to help others with your words and wisdom. Thanks Ladies.

I'll let ya'll know how the fill went.

How's the "Belly"???

2008-08-27T19:13:00.000-07:00

Hey Mel...You asked how the belly and the port wound was doing. I've included the pictures below. The tiny one between the boobs was doing great, until they snipped off some thread at my first fill...almost a month ago. Then it got slightly infected, but is now doing better....darker, but better. The port wound has closed and is doing well, although there was a tiny dot that leaked some pus out a couple of days ago. I rub onion on them and some scar stuff, so we'll see how that's going in another month. I'll probably never wear a bikini...although I don't think I would've in the first place.

Here's a shoutout to Cat! She's back! We can get our fix of nirvana nibbana now...I was jonsing for a fix for awhile and she always has good info and a great read. If you haven't checked out her site, you should. There's a whole bunch of great links to Bandster blogs on the left side that are way better than mine...check them out.

Getting back the "Drive"

2008-08-18T21:12:00.000-07:00

Firstly...It's so comforting to know that ya'll are in my court. It's like a warm blanket on a blustery day! Thank you BandSisters!

I'm still holding steady on the weight and I'm feeling like I'm losing my drive. I have to get it back again. Things have been hectic with work and all. They've loaded on more IT Projects and there's not a lot of people to manage them. Very disheartening, and stressing. Home life is going well, although I can always do more housework...the bane of my existence.

I still feel like I have no restriction, so I emailed the doc and asked for 2 cc's at my next visit, which will be September 2nd. We'll see if he indulges me. In the meantime, I need to get back to walking on the weekends. There's something soothing and mind-clearing about it. Yes, I'm still doing the stair machine, but the hills take some doing and sculpt my butt and sides really well.

I need to find that zen plane I was on before the surgery. Where the focus was there and solid. Know what I mean? I know you do and I'm preaching to the choir. Sing to me Sisters!

I apologize

2008-08-12T20:50:00.000-07:00

Hey BandSisters,

Just wanted to apologize. I've been off the grid for a little while. My bitch sister handed me a handful, and I've been reeling from the pain of it all. She's 7 years my junior and I've taken care of her practically all of her life...as I have my Mother and sometimes my brother.

She's the one that gave away her son twice...once to his father, once to me, and gave another son up for adoption. Now she has my niece, which she's always used as a weapon to get what she wants. If she doesn't get her way, or is offended for some reason, then she withholds visitation from me. My niece loves to come visit with me and we have "tea" together with her little tea set. Anywho....My BS lived with me for about almost 2 years. During that time my niece and I became close. When my sister moved out 3 1/2 years ago, she left her cat behind and rented a place that doesn't allow pets. I gave her 3 months to find a home for the cat or find another place to live and take the cat. She never asked for an extension. 5 to 6 months later, I found a home for him with one of my great friends. Unfortunately, the cat died recently. My Son/Nephew asked me about it and I told him.

He shared the info with his Mother (my BS) instead of advising her to call and ask about the cat (which she's never done) and suddenly I'm the Craptacular Sister of the Century and can not be trusted with my Niece. Needless to say, I'm looking into my legal rights because I can no longer abide by her give and take rules. I'm not going to be blackmailed with visitation any longer. So....

I haven't done any major binge eating due to the stress...although I did to some spectacular tequila shots with friends on Saturday night. I wonder how many calories a shot of tequila has???? It's all good....And this too shall pass.

I promise to catch up on everyone's blogs this weekend. In the meantime, I'm thinking of you and appreciate you all.

First Fill

2008-08-02T18:30:00.000-07:00

Actually went quite well. I was a little paranoid because of the needles and stuff. Come to find out my port is almost level with my belly button on the left side. Doc gave me a numbing shot and let it take effect. Then he started palpitating my belly trying to find the port.

That was a little painful, but nothing too bad. He finds it and goes for the "big-ass" needle. I close my eyes tightly...as if not seeing is a much better option. Then he's moving the needle around trying to find the insertion point. He finally does and tells me to open my eyes so I can see the blue liquid...oh yeay! Here's a "big-ass" needle sticking out of my belly and I have to stare at it.

After he injects the liquid (he only gave me one cc), he pulls out the needle and has me drink some water to make sure I can swallow. No biggie. So far, this fill has limited effect. I can feel it, but it doesn't restrict much. So this means I'll have to wait another month before I have a fill that may do something. Ah well...

Countdown to fill

2008-07-28T20:08:00.000-07:00

So, I've been bad...but not too bad. I attended a tea yesterday where they serve quiche, 2 different kinds of scones, 3 different finger sandwiches, and 3 different desserts. Yummy!!! I know this is one of the final times that I'll be able to enjoy a "full tea" so I did. And it was heaven.

It wasn't just the tea, it was the atmosphere and the ladies I enjoyed it with. Totally relaxing and rejuvenating.

I also got a call from a good male friend this weekend. It's always wonderful to touch base with Hacue. He's a scoundrel, irreverent, a player, and just too much fun! We've been friends for over 26 years and I adore him so. We're meeting up as couples for New Years Eve in Tahoe, so we were just touching bases and arranging plans and discussing growing older. What up with that? It will be fun to see him and his "domestic parter" Chilly. She's a pistol also and lots of fun. This is a man that shouldn't be married, but may be yet again. We'll see. In the meantime, he knows how to live and have fun and hopefully we can all take a page from that book.

No Restriction

2008-07-24T21:11:00.000-07:00

So you all know that I have no restriction right now...and probably won't until next Friday. It is taking everything I have not to eat everything in sight. I've managed to go "off the wagon" and eat a corn dog, fish sticks, and nachos. No, I'm not beating myself up...just owning up.

Although this is the "Bandster Hell" period, I have to say, that I don't feel like I'm in hell, as much as I could've been, or read about from all of you. So for that, I'm thankful, and will chalk that up to being effing lucky (I'm in a swear mood tonight...Potty mouth city...sorry my friends). I think I could've gained so much more, but have been up and down between 220 and 223. I need to kick it into gear and leave the 200's behind forever. I'm in reasonably good health...had a few symptoms of possible gout (I think it was due to the diuretics with the blood pressure medication) that cherry juice seemed to solve. And this re-appearing rash thing that the doc gave me steroids for. Other than that...no complaints.

I'm still surprised at how good I feel when I climb the stairs at work, and I'm not winded, not panting, not gasping for the last breath of fresh air known to the universe... I just want to scream from the top of my lungs..."Fuck Yea!!! I did that! I am NOT the stair's Bitch!" and it feels soooooo goooood.

Gotta roll with it as it comes my friends. The check bounced from the person who bought the trailer...expected as much. Put my bank account into arrears, so I had to do some money shuffling. Not happy about that, but Fuck Yea...feeling good and can handle it. Do I want some Haagen Daaz to get over the unfairness of it all...Fuck yea, but I don't need it and can let it go...for now. Don't get me wrong...If I really feel like I need that triple fudge brownie Haagen Daaz, there's nothing you, the man, Vin Diesel (my sexual fantasy) or anyone else on this planet can do to stop me...but for now...Diz is ok.

Hope all is well with you my Bandster friends. Looking forward to catching up on your blogs this weekend....and so ends the swearing orgy I so briefly indulged in, although, it was relatively tame compared to what I can actually do....

Busy Weekend

2008-07-22T20:57:00.000-07:00

This past weekend is the third weekend in a row with Parents. We had to replace my mother's air conditioner, and I had to set up the Mothers (husband's mom) PC with DSL and security. I still have to transfer the old data to the new computer, but haven't had the chance. This coming weekend is the Mom's birthday. The weekend after this one, we have to go to my Mom's and figure out what happened with the fuses and fix them.

Needless to say, I'm a little tired of parents right now. Nothing against them, but I need to escape and they always bring on the urge to eat for me. We did escape to Tahoe for 24 hours, left Sunday and returned Monday. Such fun! I'm still holding out my dream to retire there, but I'll have to get a move on for the Tahoe fund. Tahoe restores the soul, a dark blue liquid jewel among the sierra pines. It makes me feel large and small at the same time. I don't need to gamble, or spend money, I only need to be.

Ah well, I'm tired, so I'll write more tomorrow my friends. Thanks for the comments on the flatulence. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one.

First Thanks, then Flatulence

2008-07-18T23:01:00.000-07:00

Thank you for the comments regarding my port wound. I did see the GP yesterday (actually for an allergic reaction on my face) and had her look at the 2 wounds that have plastic threads sticking out (Port Wound and the one between my boobs..very saggy boobs...TMI). She said that the stitches are supposed to dissolve, but I have a body that is rejecting the thread, so....What's a girl to do? At least there is no infection, so we're ok. Thanks for the awesome tip though. My Bandster Buddies are the BEST!

Ok...let's talk about something that most bandsters really don't want to talk about...or may not suffer from. Flatulence aka Farting! I don't know about ya'll, but ever since I've had the surgery, 1 month ago tomorrow, I've been flatulent. Yes, not just flatulent...but huge flatulence! Before I was able to be discrete, retire to the restroom, take care of my business, and be done. Now it's like huge amounts of air are trapped in my lower regions only to come forth when I'm not ready...and I've had to blame my kitty cats for the enormous sounds and smells. Thank God they love me and don't argue about my accusations.

My husband just laughes...thank god, and says he's reserving my "Man Card" for me. I do have Gas-X and use it, but it's still there. Does it ever go away and this is something I live with? I'm not complaining and will accept it at face value, just as I accept the possible scarring on my belly... (off subject, the GP says the best thing she's ever found for scarring is....the Tumeric tuber, which can be found in asian markets. She says to peel off the outside and rub it against a rough grate, then rub it over the incision. Don't do it on an incision that hasn't closed, and it won't work on old incisions, just freshly closed ones. She compared the tuber to ginger root. Something to try that won't hurt...)

Anywho....What do ya'll say about that? Has it changed for you for those who've had the surgery awhile? Does it lighten up? It's funny as hell, I know, but hey...if a new person reads about it, they'll know they're normal too.

Finally...Wound pic!

2008-07-15T21:52:00.001-07:00

Sorry if I made my port wound sound really bad. It's not oozing or bleeding. It's just a little irritated and the rash is a ring around it that's been itching. I think it's a reaction to the bandage I had on it. Close your eyes if the pic grosses you out.

I got a fill appointment or August 1st...Yiippppeee!

Scale Avoidance

2008-07-14T21:13:00.000-07:00

So, I've been avoiding the scale because I haven't been consistent in exercise this past week and I have no restriction. I've entered the Bandster hell phase. I'm still trying to get an appointment for my first fill and have had problems with the port wound. It seems to be rubbing on everything and my kitty paws on it in the middle of the night when she wants me to pet her. I put a bandage over it and then it kept itching. Now I have a rash all the way around it. Whatup with that?

I tried to post a picture of it, but I kept getting an "Internal Error".Anywho, I've 'vacationed' enough for the healing period and it is now time to get back to business. It's all an attitude thing. Everyone I read about on the blog list, on the left, seems to be doing so well. I'm trying to get past this bleeding issue I have. 8 weeks + now. Do I want some cheese to go with my whine?

First Bad News...Then Good

2008-07-08T19:30:00.000-07:00

I couldn't get my sorry ass out of bed to work out this morning. I felt like lead. The alarm went off at 3 a.m. and when I finally opened my eyes, the music was blaring (it's one of those progressively louder alarms). I shut it off and re-set it to 4:30, giving myself a half hour to get dressed and out of the house. But then....

This afternoon I get home and finally get my ass on the StairMaster. I figured I'd go about 20 minutes at the lowest setting (since I haven't been on in 3 weeks). I get on and the muscles just begin to flow. It was effing magic! I'm on the lowest setting for 5 minutes and I crank it to the next level....I'm feeling good, listening to..DONT LAUGH..Abba and I figure...what the hell and crank it up the next level. Butter Baby! All said and done, I was on for a half hour (my usual routine is 40 min in the morning and evening at level 3) and only started to feel a slight stitch (oddly, where I think the band is located...no, not the port) in the last couple of minutes. I'm so happy. All that working out paid off, because my body remembers and it won't be so hard to get back into shape...well, you know...where I was.

Ok...I'm going eat and go to bed. I'm really tired from lack of sleep, so I'll check in tomorrow. Hopefully, I can catch up blog reading then...

Work Went Well

2008-07-07T20:20:00.000-07:00

I was a bit worried about work, but everything went off without a hitch. I probably rubbed my port incision a bit too much, but no one noticed and then it was "nose to the grindstone". I hate going back to work with 600 emails waiting in my inbox...whatup with that? I'm just a state techoflunky....nothing that deserves 600 emails. Ah well, it took most of the day to get through them.

Met up with the girls for our morning coffee, and it was so nice to shoot the breeze and be back to normal. Packed my lunch and drank my water quota. Didn't get in any exercise today, so we'll start our routine tomorrow morning and see what happens from there.

I bought a new bathing suit in a size 12 for Mexico in November. I thought it would be a good goal to meet. Nothing too outrageous or impossible (can't see me ever being a size 2 or 4), and it won't show my belly. The bottom is a boardskirt, which I thought would be a cute style. I'm hoping to massively reduce the thighs, but just in case they're flabby, this skirt should look really cute.

Getting back to the swing...

2008-07-06T10:09:00.000-07:00

Well, I passed my two week mark last Thursday, and tomorrow, I go back to work. How are things with the band so far? Great.

Doc checked me over and said everything was good. I can have my first fill at the beginning of August. In the meantime, I have the Phase II diet to stick to and he said to try things and see how it goes. Well, I did that. I have no problems eating anything! It all goes down...shrimp, steak (well chewed), veggies, etc. I can feel the band and food going through it, but no issues so far. In my experimenting, I have to remember that this will not always be the case. I have to focus on chewing and what I'm eating, and that is a trip in itself.

I'm holding my weight steady and although I've been walking, exercise has been a bit curtailed due to the smoke from fires (northern CA), so that's not very healthy to be sucking that stuff up. I'm also having a little problem getting that port wound to heal up. It's taking awhile. Anyone have any advice to avoid scarring?

Thanks for all the great supportive comments. I love our supportive bandster community. It makes me feel that all things are possible. Anyway, I'll start writing more regularly now and get back into my routine.

Ten Days After...

2008-06-29T12:39:00.000-07:00

Things are going pretty well. Although I woke up with a red swollen face this morning. My eyelids are like balloons and I don't know what caused it. Energy level is still low. It usually hits the day after I do something. Yesterday was the Kaiser group Post-op meeting, which was good. I met someone that lives a couple of miles from me, so we may have some carpooling opportunities in the future.

Afterward, I headed to my sisters to visit my Niece. I brought Ice Çream cones for the kids, but managed to learn an extremely important message myself. I ate the ice cream...no problem, and was halfway down the cone when I realized that I wasn't paying attention to my chewing and eating of the cone. That was scary. I realize now that I have to work on being mindful of what I'm doing.

Belly picture alert....Belly picture alert...

I'm actually doing pretty well. The top puncture and the far left one is almost healed up and looks great. The one above the belly jewelry is doing well also. The biggest one is the port, which is still sore, but has finally taken a turn for the better. From what I've read, this is the one that can cause problems, so I'll keep my fingers crossed that it's ok.

I visit the Surgeon on Tuesday and we'll see what he says.

Holding it together

2008-06-27T16:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a busy day...kinda. My mom had a cortisone shot appointment, so I was up by 5:30 a.m. and dragging down the vacuum cleaner to her house. I picked her up and we were at the appointment by 7:15. Afterward, I dropped her off and made sure she was settled, then went searching for a woman who's like my older sister (that's what I call her).

She had called me last weekend and gave me some news. She sounded like she needed a hug, and I promised her that I would come visit her after my Mom's appointment. When I called her number, it was disconnected. When I went to her house, there were 2 cars in the driveway, but no one answered the door. I left a note asking her to call, but did she sell the house? It's been about 14 months since we talked (life got in the way for both of us) but I feel like I'm letting her down when she's always been there for me. Highly stressful. After that I did some grocery shopping and headed home.

Got home about 1 p.m. and crashed on the bed (I was sooo tired). The man woke me up because the nurse from Kaiser was on the line checking up on me. She said I was doing too much and to take it easy. We talked about my diet, exercise and incisions and then I crashed again after hanging up. Didn't wake up till 5:30 p.m. I forgot to ask her if it was ok to put stuff on the incisions, i.e. aloe vera, or Vitamin E, etc. Guess I'll ask the Doc on July 1st.

Anywhoooo. I'm only 3 lbs away from the 50 lbs mark since I started my journey in January. 42 lbs without the band. I have to say that I feel much better with exercise in my life...even if I despise it. Well, it's a love/hate relationship. I hate the time it takes from things that need to be done, but I like the results. After about the first 10 minutes, I enjoy myself. Ah well. Since I have no appetite these days (It's been a week since banding, so it's to be expected) I imagine I'll reach the mark by Monday. I've been good at getting my protein shake in, but bad about eating something for lunch. I make sure to eat my soup, etc. in the evening, but.... I need to work at 3 meals a day. Wow...Never thought I'd see this day.

I've always been consumed by this never-ending hunger that I've forced myself to ignore to lose weight. It would gnaw at me, saying "more, you need more!" To which I'd reply "Shut the eff up stomach...you're not getting it!" Until I'd finally lose the battle after losing X amount of pounds. Then I'd pack on more weight than I originally lost. Up...down...up...down. I see a light at the end of the tunnel now...after only 1 week being banded! I can't effing believe it! Yes, I know (by reading all of your wonderful blogs) that the hunger will come back and the first fill, etc. etc. etc. But there's hope, now. I feel it. I'm excited about it. I have a future, and that is a great thing.

P.S.

2008-06-25T21:49:00.000-07:00

I'm the daddy...I conquered the waterbed.

Port Pain

2008-06-25T21:44:00.000-07:00

So I was warned and the most pain I seem to be feeling (other than the husband getting on my last nerve) is port pain. The area is quite tender, and when I move around, I get a shooting pain right there. Other than that, I seem to be doing fine. I drink a protein shake for breakfast, usually takes me over an hour and lunch is cottage cheese. Dinner is soup and maybe a little pudding. Drinking lots of water.

I'll post more tomorrow.

I'm Back

2008-06-23T20:46:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the delay my friends. Today is the first day I've had true clarity. I've been doing fine, but everything had a slight dream quality to it. I've been exercising (walking) and being good on the mushy diet. I decided to put it all out there and give you a picture of my belly....Ok, put sun glasses on if you're afraid you'll go blind.

I've got 5 incisions, nothing too bad. One is slightly indented but seems to be getting better every day. They are starting to itch, which I hear is a sign of healing, but drives me nuts. I think I overdid it today because I walked in the morning, had a dentist appointment (which the husband drove to) and walked this evening, so I ended up having a little vicodin cocktail ahead of time. I usually reserve it for bedtime so I can sleep comfortably, but I was hurting tonight so...

I didn't realize how much I use the stomach muscles, so sleeping in my water bed was out of the question. It's elevated and I knew I wouldn't be able to get out of it. Thank God for Aerobed. I set it up in the living room and the kitties and I had a 3 night slumber party. Tonight, I'll try the waterbed....we'll see who my daddy is!!!!

Thanks for all the uplifting comments. I adore you guys. And to my new Aussie Bandster friends...mark my words, I'll be visiting in Australia someday to dive the Great Barrier Reef and we'll get together. I have to meet you classy ladies. Congrats to Kristie on her new job!

Diz's Dizzy Day

2008-06-20T18:24:00.001-07:00

Hey Everyone,

My surgery was yesterday, June 19th. I reported in at 6:30 a.m. for surgery at 8:00 a.m. Did all the paperwork, changed into the gown, laid on the gurney, and promptly received the Heparin shot in the fatty part of my arm (that would be the part that swings)...the shot didn't hurt, it was after they took out the needle, you could feel it burning...so I rubbed it. Then I got the IV stuff put in my hand. It was all good. They wheeled me in about 10 after 8 and I got to joke with the doctors about playing some good ole rock and roll while they operate...the mask went on...and it was peace OUT!

Woke up in recovery. Was doing ok, but the little girl next to me looked like my niece and she was crying for her mommie. They were singing funky songs to her and I croaked out that they needed to sing Disney songs. After a while, they transferred me to my room and hooked me up to the morphine machine. Any time I wanted some, I could press the button. I left it alone for the most part and used it at night to sleep. Did lots of walking and although they tried to help me out, I told them to leave me alone. This is something I should be able to do since I've been working out so hard...and I did. It was all good.

Nothing by mouth though. That's the rough thing about having surgery early...you suffer for a full 24 hours dreaming of ice cool water. I finally got my barium swallow around 9 a.m. Although they used something other than barium...it was a foul, bitter tasting liquid, but it was cool watching it go down through the band. They took the time to point everything out. I liked that. When we went back to the room, within an hour, they brought me tea, apple juice, broth and jello. I asked for cold water though. I drank part of the broth, but it was too salty for me, the tea was HEAVEN! Jello was ok, and I diluted the apple juice with the cold water like I was taught.

2 hours after that, they brought me Stage II stuff, so I ate vanilla pudding, pureed broccoli soup, more wonderful tea, and cottage cheese. I ate half the pudding, couple of bites of the cottage cheese, some of the soup and all of the tea. Then I got the go ahead to come home. The drive was a little long, looks like everyone is escaping SF. But now I'm home with a huge bottle of liquid vicodin...oooooohhhhh. Haven't needed it yet. Going to hold off till bed time.

I have to thank all of you though. I wasn't the slightest bit nervous, knew what to expect and it made it so much easier. Thank you everyone!

One Day Out...

2008-06-18T19:53:00.000-07:00

Well here I am...in San Francisco. The bloodtyping is all done, and I'm due to report for surgery at 6:30 a.m. Should be a blast!!! Odly enough, I'm still not nervous...just excited.

We went for dinner in Chinatown and I had WonTon Soup and Shrimp/Pork DimSum...yum. Had to eat between 5 and 6. After that, clear fluids till midnight, then I'm cut off. Ah well, what's a girl to do? From What I hear, I won't get fluids by mouth until Friday morning.

I'm in the lobby of the WorldMark by Wydham in SF. It's a pretty swell place. The husband will be here tomorrow night by himself, hopefully he can have a little fun before he picks me up on Friday. Today was an exquistely beautiful day for SF. Clear skies, nice breeze, and walked around in no sleeves all day. I think it's an indication of clear days ahead.

Well my friends, not sure if I can blog via Treo tomorrow night, but if I'm up for it, I'll send a short note. If not, you'll hear from me on Friday afternoon or evening. Keep your fingers crossed for me my friends. Whoa Yea Baby...We're going Down!!!!! Wheeeee!

2 Days Out...

2008-06-17T19:21:00.000-07:00

So today I wrapped up stuff at work. Now I'm packing my bag for tomorrow. We'll drive down to South SF tomorrow and I'll get my blood work done at around 1 p.m. (I'm required to get it done within 5 days of surgery in SF). I'll also call to get my surgery time. If there is a computer at the timeshare, I'll send ya'll a shout out with the final day info.

So I got my new Jammies, lip balm, special body cleanser, and all the stuff on the list to bring. I figure, if I can, we'll walk around ChinaTown tomorrow night and maybe I can get a little wonton soup for dinner (eating lite). I'm not allowed to have any liquids after midnight, so I'll just make sure I'm in bed before then.

I saw a link on another blog that allows you to figure out how many calories you'll need to eat each day to make your goal weight. I put in the date as Nov. 22nd because that's when we fly to Cabo and it said....1200 calories a day! I think I can do that. We'll see if the will is strong Grasshopper! I'm so excited to be taking another step in this journey.

Special thanks to KristieGirl and KimmyLouHoo. Kristie, thanks for that hug today. I really needed it, and it will sustain me while I do this. Thanks for your understanding and non-judgement. I love you. KimmyLou...Thanks for listening to me on our rides to and from work. Thanks for having my back and totally getting it. Thanks for not being bored stiff (and if you were, for faking it) during all my ranting and raving. I love you.